1. The condition or fact of being related; connection or association.
2. A particular type of connection existing between people related to or having dealings with each other.
This is what the actual definition of RELATIONSHIP means. If you look at the beginning of the word you see RELATE. I think parenting teens can be a lot simpler than we make it, so I wanted to blog about something that appears pretty basic and simple, but it's actually super challenging.
I'm not arguing that it can be very tough, especially with the hormone changes are kids are going through, but if we keep the focus on RELATIONSHIP I think it can make things a lot smoother.
Looking further into the knowledge of what relationship MEANS also helps.
For me, knowing the exact definitions of words has always helped me act on the words better. It's easier for me to know what to DO when I know what the word means exactly. Maybe that's the kind of learner I am, but I'm confident others could benefit from it too.
For example, most of us know what the word 'Relationship' means technically. But how are we handling the knowledge of the definition? I mean if I KNOW an apple has fiber and is good for my health with all its other benefits, am I just going to "sit" on that knowledge? Maybe. But I'd be much wiser to actually DO something about that knowledge.
I want to use the definition I have for relationship to my advantage and to help with my parenting. This means I have to be ACTIVE in responding to what I know the word MEANS. It might sound so elementary, but I'm telling you, it has helped me so much.
Just yesterday my daughter and I had a little argument when we were coming home from a family Easter gathering. She sighed out loud about a little disagreement my husband and I were having. I found it rude, and I took it VERY personal. I felt like over all I annoyed her, but in reality, she was annoyed at the back and forth between my husband and I. Which is valid, I totally understand that. But I couldn't shake the feelings that arose in me when she let out that sigh.
The three of us pulled in the driveway and we had plans to take the dogs for a walk. If I would have continued on based off of what I felt like doing, I wouldn't have said another word.
It's so common for people to think "Let's drop it", because they don't think they can resolve it or they don't "feel" like it because it takes work. But I have a different suggestion.
Sometimes it's best to leave well enough alone and revisit the issue later, that I can swallow, but leaving it alone and not reconciling it, I think is destructive to the soul and unhealthy.
So as we went on our walk, I continued with my daughter trying to find resolve. My Husband was very uncomfortable and wanted it to end like yesterday!
He kept asking us to drop it because he didn't want to ruin our walk. I understood his frustration, but I couldn't not be reconciled with my daughter, and I want her to learn that it's work to work through conflict and it takes effort, and it's inconvenient, and it's trying-but see, my point is that our relationship wouldn't be REAL if we didn't get to the bottom of what we were arguing about, (And there is a "bottom" to everything).
We'd go on with our day and a day would turn into a week and a week would turn into a month. By being persistent and asking her questions, and allowing her to ask me questions, it sort of pushed both of us to finding resolve. Not only do I need to relate to her, but she needs to relate to me! With a little time and a lot of effort, we WERE able to get to the bottom of it!
If we keep in relationship by relating to one another, we keep things authentic and we keep things real. But if we don't? We are just piling on unresolved issues and hurts. I'd rather be uncomfortable for let's say 15 or so minutes, and get to the bottom of things (the heart of the issue), than pretend or "think" I'm better off forgetting about it and at the surface things seem OK, but at the core, the issue is STILL there.
Maybe think about what relationship really MEANS; it's definition is its definition, you can't argue that. So then I encourage you, if you aren't already, to keep striving toward that. Get to the root issues of your conflict and misunderstandings.
It was painful to go through it yesterday with my daughter, but within the half hour, it was resolved and we BOTH were on the same page and we BOTH understood each other, and we BOTH were reconciled. THAT is worth the 30 minutes of frustration, anger, and discomfort any day.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Thursday, April 14, 2011
5 Things to Never Say to Your Child- REVISED!
I had such great feedback on this blog post, that I thought I would enhance the last article with some new additions, and further thoughts. Remember please that my articles are not intended to lead anyone to think that any one of us are “perfect” parents. That it’s a learning process for all of us, and just like we were children once, we know that our children will fall short, and as adults, we fall short too. My postings are intended to inspire, give fresh perspectives and offer ideas that one might not be implementing.
1. BECAUSE I SAID SO! I start with the question: How does this build relationship? One of my main focuses for writing is that I believe in building relationship with our children. Not just our friends, or spouses, but also our kids! I think the key to any relationship is being REAL, and being authentic. Being relational in a sense like, “How can you relate to this? Or “How can I relate to my child? And, “How does my child relate to me?” If we say to our kid “Because I said so!” I think we are building a controlling atmosphere.
So when we say, “Because I said so!” are we saying that because we are adults, so that means we are older than them, so no matter what, without reason or explanation we just shut them out, and use that line?
I am not saying our children need a 15 minute long reason why, or even a 5 minute explanation. I am just offering maybe showing our kids a little respect by giving them a legitimate reason, and if we aren’t, then maybe we need to ask ourselves if we even know why we are saying NO to something. By giving them a basic answer, it builds relationship because you are creating communication. By encouraging communication this gives our kids a sense of individuality, safety, and we are teaching them along the way how to be relational in life.
Let's be mature enough as parents and walk through issues with our kids. Let’s take the TIME to invest in small explanations as to why we came to make the decision for them that we did. We'll be earning trust and they won’t feel so inferior. Because a lot of times I think that is what can happen. Parents think that because they are older, more mature, and the parent, that the kid is inferior to them. We don’t want our teens to feel like they aren’t human. Meaning a lot of times the humanness of parent/child relationships gets lost because there are so many control issues going on. I think a lot of teens feel that their parents aren’t “Human” because they don’t take the time to relate with them. Maybe it’s been years since you were a teen, but I think most of us can look back and at least put ourselves in their shoes and realize that we’ve been there too. And that’s a really good place to start.
2. ACT YOUR AGE! or You're 5 years old, so act like it)! Don't you think if they could act their age, they would? They are clueless on how they ought to be acting, so it's our job to not just TELL them, but to show them, and to be a role model that inspires them. They will learn from us and by what we have to offer them to help them through life.
I know how tempting it can be, especially if we are in the bad habit of comparing our kids to other kids), to say to your kid, “You should know better to be acting like that. Act your age.” But hear me when I say this, that is extremely degrading. Anything less than positive,(except when you are punishing or disciplining, it might not seem positive), is belittling them. The number one issue that children of all ages deals with due to parenting is SHAME. It’s a deep rooted issue across the board. And it seeps like crazy into adulthood. When your child hears, “Act your age” they HEAR this: You are so bad, naughty, and I’m embarrassed of you. Shame on you for not knowing better. Shape up. Other kids are better than you. They HEAR: I am not accepted, I am shunned, I am not good enough.
It instantly shuts their spirit down, and unseen trauma is going on inside of them, but it is trauma that you will see later as they grow. If your child is misbehaving, or they do something out of the ordinary by being really naughty, maybe figure out the best way to discipline them, instead of using words that hurt. I do not for one second believe the old saying, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” That is the biggest lie in our society. Words stick. Words matter.
3. SHAME ON YOU! Again, creating shame for a child is devastating. It will block safety and trust. They have got to know that no matter WHAT they do that you love them and are there for them. They need a space where they can be open with us, and share. Shaming is condemning, and it's extremely unhealthy on so many levels. And like I said earlier, it STAYS with them. If our kids do something so unexpected, or awful, or “disgusting”, we have got to take a few deep breaths, or even 10 minutes to WAIT before we act. Because if we don’t, we will REact, instead of REspond.
I had an experience just a couple of weeks ago with my daughter. She’s 16 and she’s an amazing kid. Overall, I haven’t had too many devastating issues, other than “typical” arguments if that’s what you want to call them. Just things like hormone changes etc…nothing “out of the ordinary”.
There was an incident that I was alerted on a couple weeks ago, that my daughter was involved in, (I won’t give a lot of details, because those don’t really matter), and I followed up with my daughter to find out if it was true or not. And she opened up (I truly believe because I built the foundation and safety for her to feel she could do so), and was honest with me and said, YES. She took responsibility, and fessed up to it. Instantly I was “disgusted” and in shock. I couldn’t even look at her at first. I could feel my breathing getting heavier, and I was purposely not looking at her. Then I though to myself, “Gina, you write a blog, you’re not perfect, but you write a blog on teen parenting, what are you going to do now? Are you going to live up to your words and advice?”
So I took several minutes before I spoke, and my husband sort of filled the air space with just whatever. Finally, I forced myself to look her in the eyes, because I did not want to screw this up! And I said these exact words: “Honey, thank you so very much for being honest with me first of all. I know that you could have lied and you chose to be truthful and I appreciate it. I know that must have been difficult and scary. Secondly, I want you to know how very disappointed I am. I’m really disappointed that you made the decision that you did. And it’s not OK what you did. Do you realize this? Can I ask why?
And right now I don’t know exactly what I’ll do about responsibility on your part as far as “punishment”, but there will be one. And lastly, I want you to know how very much I love you. I’ve been there. I was 16 once and I remember making dumb choices, I understand what it’s like to be under pressure with a bunch of people, I get it. And I want you to know that no matter what you do or have done, I still love you so much, just the same. And I’m so very proud of you for being honest. I love you honey.”
And that was that until a couple days later and I “forced” her into a week of solitude; no friends, no phone.
So that is my story with direct relation to this very sensitive issue.
4. SHUT UP. Like I mentioned earlier, words matter. And anything less than positive, is going to affect our kids. Hey, as adults it would affect us if someone told us to Shut Up! At least I would be hurt! It’s so disrespectful and quite honestly, I think it’s a selfish thing to say.
There are a million different words in our English vocabulary that we can use to get this point across. Nough' said.
5.YOU KNOW BETTER! I get how this one might seem confusing, because a lot of times they might know better; BUT how will this build relationship? We know that they are going to do things that they know they shouldn't. But they don't really know the reason NOT TO DO IT—not completely anyway.
Like we know why it's not good for them, but they don't. So instead of saying the obvious, why not take it as an opportunity to ask them why they did it, and share with them why it wasn't the best choice for them to do it. Again, it's all about being relational, relating to them and with them.
By choosing this way of handling it, we won’t shut them down, and they won’t shut us out. They will see that we are approachable, and that no matter what they do we will love them, and accept them. I think we forget as parents that we are human too. We can apologize and seek forgiveness when we fall short as parents. I have been in the situation where my daughter has shown me GRACE, MERCY AND FORGIVENESS. Just because I’m the adult and I’m the parent, doesn’t mean I don’t and won’t mess up.
And the way for our kids to “know better” is to teach and show them. Not by TELLING them they ought to KNOW BETTER. And again, sometimes they know darn well what they are doing and they do “know better”, but by talking this way with them is condescending, it doesn’t build anything up, which is our goal with them.
This has been a great experience to write this blog. Thank you for taking the time to read, and for sharing it with others. I think might next article could be, TOP FIVE THINGS TO SAY TO YOUR CHILD!
1. BECAUSE I SAID SO! I start with the question: How does this build relationship? One of my main focuses for writing is that I believe in building relationship with our children. Not just our friends, or spouses, but also our kids! I think the key to any relationship is being REAL, and being authentic. Being relational in a sense like, “How can you relate to this? Or “How can I relate to my child? And, “How does my child relate to me?” If we say to our kid “Because I said so!” I think we are building a controlling atmosphere.
So when we say, “Because I said so!” are we saying that because we are adults, so that means we are older than them, so no matter what, without reason or explanation we just shut them out, and use that line?
I am not saying our children need a 15 minute long reason why, or even a 5 minute explanation. I am just offering maybe showing our kids a little respect by giving them a legitimate reason, and if we aren’t, then maybe we need to ask ourselves if we even know why we are saying NO to something. By giving them a basic answer, it builds relationship because you are creating communication. By encouraging communication this gives our kids a sense of individuality, safety, and we are teaching them along the way how to be relational in life.
Let's be mature enough as parents and walk through issues with our kids. Let’s take the TIME to invest in small explanations as to why we came to make the decision for them that we did. We'll be earning trust and they won’t feel so inferior. Because a lot of times I think that is what can happen. Parents think that because they are older, more mature, and the parent, that the kid is inferior to them. We don’t want our teens to feel like they aren’t human. Meaning a lot of times the humanness of parent/child relationships gets lost because there are so many control issues going on. I think a lot of teens feel that their parents aren’t “Human” because they don’t take the time to relate with them. Maybe it’s been years since you were a teen, but I think most of us can look back and at least put ourselves in their shoes and realize that we’ve been there too. And that’s a really good place to start.
2. ACT YOUR AGE! or You're 5 years old, so act like it)! Don't you think if they could act their age, they would? They are clueless on how they ought to be acting, so it's our job to not just TELL them, but to show them, and to be a role model that inspires them. They will learn from us and by what we have to offer them to help them through life.
I know how tempting it can be, especially if we are in the bad habit of comparing our kids to other kids), to say to your kid, “You should know better to be acting like that. Act your age.” But hear me when I say this, that is extremely degrading. Anything less than positive,(except when you are punishing or disciplining, it might not seem positive), is belittling them. The number one issue that children of all ages deals with due to parenting is SHAME. It’s a deep rooted issue across the board. And it seeps like crazy into adulthood. When your child hears, “Act your age” they HEAR this: You are so bad, naughty, and I’m embarrassed of you. Shame on you for not knowing better. Shape up. Other kids are better than you. They HEAR: I am not accepted, I am shunned, I am not good enough.
It instantly shuts their spirit down, and unseen trauma is going on inside of them, but it is trauma that you will see later as they grow. If your child is misbehaving, or they do something out of the ordinary by being really naughty, maybe figure out the best way to discipline them, instead of using words that hurt. I do not for one second believe the old saying, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” That is the biggest lie in our society. Words stick. Words matter.
3. SHAME ON YOU! Again, creating shame for a child is devastating. It will block safety and trust. They have got to know that no matter WHAT they do that you love them and are there for them. They need a space where they can be open with us, and share. Shaming is condemning, and it's extremely unhealthy on so many levels. And like I said earlier, it STAYS with them. If our kids do something so unexpected, or awful, or “disgusting”, we have got to take a few deep breaths, or even 10 minutes to WAIT before we act. Because if we don’t, we will REact, instead of REspond.
I had an experience just a couple of weeks ago with my daughter. She’s 16 and she’s an amazing kid. Overall, I haven’t had too many devastating issues, other than “typical” arguments if that’s what you want to call them. Just things like hormone changes etc…nothing “out of the ordinary”.
There was an incident that I was alerted on a couple weeks ago, that my daughter was involved in, (I won’t give a lot of details, because those don’t really matter), and I followed up with my daughter to find out if it was true or not. And she opened up (I truly believe because I built the foundation and safety for her to feel she could do so), and was honest with me and said, YES. She took responsibility, and fessed up to it. Instantly I was “disgusted” and in shock. I couldn’t even look at her at first. I could feel my breathing getting heavier, and I was purposely not looking at her. Then I though to myself, “Gina, you write a blog, you’re not perfect, but you write a blog on teen parenting, what are you going to do now? Are you going to live up to your words and advice?”
So I took several minutes before I spoke, and my husband sort of filled the air space with just whatever. Finally, I forced myself to look her in the eyes, because I did not want to screw this up! And I said these exact words: “Honey, thank you so very much for being honest with me first of all. I know that you could have lied and you chose to be truthful and I appreciate it. I know that must have been difficult and scary. Secondly, I want you to know how very disappointed I am. I’m really disappointed that you made the decision that you did. And it’s not OK what you did. Do you realize this? Can I ask why?
And right now I don’t know exactly what I’ll do about responsibility on your part as far as “punishment”, but there will be one. And lastly, I want you to know how very much I love you. I’ve been there. I was 16 once and I remember making dumb choices, I understand what it’s like to be under pressure with a bunch of people, I get it. And I want you to know that no matter what you do or have done, I still love you so much, just the same. And I’m so very proud of you for being honest. I love you honey.”
And that was that until a couple days later and I “forced” her into a week of solitude; no friends, no phone.
So that is my story with direct relation to this very sensitive issue.
4. SHUT UP. Like I mentioned earlier, words matter. And anything less than positive, is going to affect our kids. Hey, as adults it would affect us if someone told us to Shut Up! At least I would be hurt! It’s so disrespectful and quite honestly, I think it’s a selfish thing to say.
There are a million different words in our English vocabulary that we can use to get this point across. Nough' said.
5.YOU KNOW BETTER! I get how this one might seem confusing, because a lot of times they might know better; BUT how will this build relationship? We know that they are going to do things that they know they shouldn't. But they don't really know the reason NOT TO DO IT—not completely anyway.
Like we know why it's not good for them, but they don't. So instead of saying the obvious, why not take it as an opportunity to ask them why they did it, and share with them why it wasn't the best choice for them to do it. Again, it's all about being relational, relating to them and with them.
By choosing this way of handling it, we won’t shut them down, and they won’t shut us out. They will see that we are approachable, and that no matter what they do we will love them, and accept them. I think we forget as parents that we are human too. We can apologize and seek forgiveness when we fall short as parents. I have been in the situation where my daughter has shown me GRACE, MERCY AND FORGIVENESS. Just because I’m the adult and I’m the parent, doesn’t mean I don’t and won’t mess up.
And the way for our kids to “know better” is to teach and show them. Not by TELLING them they ought to KNOW BETTER. And again, sometimes they know darn well what they are doing and they do “know better”, but by talking this way with them is condescending, it doesn’t build anything up, which is our goal with them.
This has been a great experience to write this blog. Thank you for taking the time to read, and for sharing it with others. I think might next article could be, TOP FIVE THINGS TO SAY TO YOUR CHILD!
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
The Here And Now
I think, as parents learning to "let go" is vital to us being awesome parents.
We either live too much in the past(their past mistakes/our guilt or what we could have done differently), or we live in their future (filled with worries/concerns/fear/questions), either way, we end up more in a "devastated" state. Thinking continually:
"Will they succeed, how can I handle saying goodbye when they leave, what if they are hanging around the "wrong" crowd, what if they get sick?" And the list goes on. . .We have to learn to live in the present with our kids. Learn to let go of both the past and the future, and let us focus on coming along side them in where/who/what they are now. That way, together we'll be able to work with one another, because I'm pretty sure our kids aren't in the past or the future, they are in today.
We either live too much in the past(their past mistakes/our guilt or what we could have done differently), or we live in their future (filled with worries/concerns/fear/questions), either way, we end up more in a "devastated" state. Thinking continually:
"Will they succeed, how can I handle saying goodbye when they leave, what if they are hanging around the "wrong" crowd, what if they get sick?" And the list goes on. . .We have to learn to live in the present with our kids. Learn to let go of both the past and the future, and let us focus on coming along side them in where/who/what they are now. That way, together we'll be able to work with one another, because I'm pretty sure our kids aren't in the past or the future, they are in today.
Monday, June 7, 2010
I Might Go Mad! Calling All Mother's Of Texters!
I don't know about you all out there, but for me, I have major issues with Cell phone use! More exact--TEXTING. I find myself saying, "I don't know what it IS about it that drives me so nuts" but I actually think I do. And the more I think about it, the more I really feel as parents we NEED to set healthy limits.
Anything that we haven't set limits to on the onset of SOMEthing, or at an early age--is going to be more difficult to do now. BUT that doesn't mean we can't or we shouldn't.
Technology, while it's a great thing in many ways, can also be a huge distraction, not to mention addiction even sometimes. The ONE word that I came up with when I kept asking myself "What is bugging me so bad?" is this: STIMULATION.
These Gen Y kids are BEYOND over stimulated if you ask me. From video games, to hand held games, to cell phones, TV to computers and laptops. And that's just technology. I didn't mention the stimulation just from a long day at school or activities and in some kids' case, jobs.
I'll ask my daughter, "NOW who are you texting?" BTW, I wonder when that word will be int he Dictionary, HA.
The thing is is I ask her, "Why would you want to be constantly connected to someone? Why would you want to answer someone who texts you continually?"
Her answer surprised me. "I really don't like to text!" She told me she'd much rather talk on the PHONE. Well remember when we were TEENAGERS? What did we do in our spare time? TALKED ON THE PHONE WITH OUR FRIENDS. So texting is really no different, that is just what they do now instead. BUT back in the day, we didn't have CALL WAITING OR VM'S and we had other kids in our family who also needed the phone, so we didn't talk as much as the texting that goes on. I mean I feel it is a constant thing. I personally would not want to be BOUND to have to answer to someone the moment they text me! No thank you!
When my daughter got her cell phone last summer, I had boundaries set for it right away. And overall she's pretty good about it, but I think I need to refine them myself so I'll list the ones here that I have been using with her for the last year and then some new ones that I need to implement. Maybe this isn't an issue for you at the moment but if it ever is, I hope this helps a little:
-No texting during dinner hours. This could be while helping with dinner, and during and right after during clean up.
-No phone (texting) during Homework. I've been to lenient with this, but it is a HUGE distraction I've discovered, and she's admitted.
-No phone while out to dinner or at family/friend gatherings. It's absolutely rude if we did it as adults and it's unacceptable for your teenager to sit and do it also.
-No texting or limited texting when we are "catching up". There have been plenty of times where I'm trying to catch up with my daughter, like right when I pick her up from school, or at the grocery store or whatever, and she's like, "What, huh?" Ah, NO DICE girl, you're talking with me now! Two convos at once has never worked. It isn't fair to the person that is right in front of you. It's disrespectful. Just because our children TRY to do this, doesn't mean we should allow it.
-Charge Cell phone in Kitchen, or wherever the rest of the family charges/charging station. That way, we'll know when they turn the lights out, their brains are going out too! Plus, it's just radiation that we don't want in their rooms anyway!
The last one is a possibility. Maybe no CELL phone after 8pm, or 9pm. If someone needs to reach them, they can call the house phone. This limit could vary depending on the child.
It's important to talk about why being over stimulated isn't a good thing. Walk through these boundaries with them and tell them why it's a good idea to have these limits.
I tell my daughter that it's important and vital for her soul and mind to REST. It shouldn't constantly have something going on. Give them ideas of what they could do in some down time. I tell my daughter to reflect in her room, or go for a walk, or pray. Sure they aren't going to be great at this everyday, but even having these limits on the cell phone will help calm the brain a bit, whether they are "resting" their mind or not, it's still a benefit to not be bound to their phone.
I understand as parents we have to change with the times, and accept that this is "What the kids are doing" to a point. But I also believe that we don't have to CONFORM to the patterns of this world, and that our kids will do the same stuff as everyone else because "That's just how it is." I don't accept that.
If you need ideas on what the benefits are specifically, or you disagree or have any comments or questions, I'd love to know.
Peace--
And good luck on the texting journey, I know I need it, as I've been very close
to throwing her phone OUT THE WINDOW!
Anything that we haven't set limits to on the onset of SOMEthing, or at an early age--is going to be more difficult to do now. BUT that doesn't mean we can't or we shouldn't.
Technology, while it's a great thing in many ways, can also be a huge distraction, not to mention addiction even sometimes. The ONE word that I came up with when I kept asking myself "What is bugging me so bad?" is this: STIMULATION.
These Gen Y kids are BEYOND over stimulated if you ask me. From video games, to hand held games, to cell phones, TV to computers and laptops. And that's just technology. I didn't mention the stimulation just from a long day at school or activities and in some kids' case, jobs.
I'll ask my daughter, "NOW who are you texting?" BTW, I wonder when that word will be int he Dictionary, HA.
The thing is is I ask her, "Why would you want to be constantly connected to someone? Why would you want to answer someone who texts you continually?"
Her answer surprised me. "I really don't like to text!" She told me she'd much rather talk on the PHONE. Well remember when we were TEENAGERS? What did we do in our spare time? TALKED ON THE PHONE WITH OUR FRIENDS. So texting is really no different, that is just what they do now instead. BUT back in the day, we didn't have CALL WAITING OR VM'S and we had other kids in our family who also needed the phone, so we didn't talk as much as the texting that goes on. I mean I feel it is a constant thing. I personally would not want to be BOUND to have to answer to someone the moment they text me! No thank you!
When my daughter got her cell phone last summer, I had boundaries set for it right away. And overall she's pretty good about it, but I think I need to refine them myself so I'll list the ones here that I have been using with her for the last year and then some new ones that I need to implement. Maybe this isn't an issue for you at the moment but if it ever is, I hope this helps a little:
-No texting during dinner hours. This could be while helping with dinner, and during and right after during clean up.
-No phone (texting) during Homework. I've been to lenient with this, but it is a HUGE distraction I've discovered, and she's admitted.
-No phone while out to dinner or at family/friend gatherings. It's absolutely rude if we did it as adults and it's unacceptable for your teenager to sit and do it also.
-No texting or limited texting when we are "catching up". There have been plenty of times where I'm trying to catch up with my daughter, like right when I pick her up from school, or at the grocery store or whatever, and she's like, "What, huh?" Ah, NO DICE girl, you're talking with me now! Two convos at once has never worked. It isn't fair to the person that is right in front of you. It's disrespectful. Just because our children TRY to do this, doesn't mean we should allow it.
-Charge Cell phone in Kitchen, or wherever the rest of the family charges/charging station. That way, we'll know when they turn the lights out, their brains are going out too! Plus, it's just radiation that we don't want in their rooms anyway!
The last one is a possibility. Maybe no CELL phone after 8pm, or 9pm. If someone needs to reach them, they can call the house phone. This limit could vary depending on the child.
It's important to talk about why being over stimulated isn't a good thing. Walk through these boundaries with them and tell them why it's a good idea to have these limits.
I tell my daughter that it's important and vital for her soul and mind to REST. It shouldn't constantly have something going on. Give them ideas of what they could do in some down time. I tell my daughter to reflect in her room, or go for a walk, or pray. Sure they aren't going to be great at this everyday, but even having these limits on the cell phone will help calm the brain a bit, whether they are "resting" their mind or not, it's still a benefit to not be bound to their phone.
I understand as parents we have to change with the times, and accept that this is "What the kids are doing" to a point. But I also believe that we don't have to CONFORM to the patterns of this world, and that our kids will do the same stuff as everyone else because "That's just how it is." I don't accept that.
If you need ideas on what the benefits are specifically, or you disagree or have any comments or questions, I'd love to know.
Peace--
And good luck on the texting journey, I know I need it, as I've been very close
to throwing her phone OUT THE WINDOW!
Thursday, May 20, 2010
5 Things to Never Say to Your Child
1. Because I said so! (how does this build relationship? Having a relationship means being REAL. Being relational! Let's be mature enough as parents and walk through issues with our kids, we'll only earn trust and create safety for them by doing it. You have nothing to lose.)
2. Act your age! or You're 5 years old, so act like it! (Don't you think if they could act their age, they would? They are clueless on how they ought to be acting, so it's our job to not TELL them, but to show them, and to be a role model that inspires them. They will learn from us and by what we have to offer them to help them through life.)
3. Shame on you! (Creating shame for a child is devastating. It will block safety and trust. They have got to know that no matter WHAT they do that you love them and are there for them. They need a space where they can be open with us, and share. Shaming is condemning, and it's extremely unhealthy on so many levels.)
4. Shut up. (There are a million different words in our English vocabulary that we can use to get this point across. Nough' said.)
5. You know better! (I get how this one might seem confusing, because a lot of times they might know better; BUT how will this build relationship? We know that they are going to do things that they know they shouldn't. But they don't really know the reason NOT TO DO IT. Like we know why it's not good for them, but they don't. So instead of saying the obvious, why not take it as an opportunity to ask them why they did it, and share with them why it wasn't the best choice for them to do it. Again, it's all about being relational, relating to them and with them.)
They are not able to truly apply logical thinking until age 12 when their reasoning abilities kick in. At that age most things are only black/white, right/wrong answers.
2. Act your age! or You're 5 years old, so act like it! (Don't you think if they could act their age, they would? They are clueless on how they ought to be acting, so it's our job to not TELL them, but to show them, and to be a role model that inspires them. They will learn from us and by what we have to offer them to help them through life.)
3. Shame on you! (Creating shame for a child is devastating. It will block safety and trust. They have got to know that no matter WHAT they do that you love them and are there for them. They need a space where they can be open with us, and share. Shaming is condemning, and it's extremely unhealthy on so many levels.)
4. Shut up. (There are a million different words in our English vocabulary that we can use to get this point across. Nough' said.)
5. You know better! (I get how this one might seem confusing, because a lot of times they might know better; BUT how will this build relationship? We know that they are going to do things that they know they shouldn't. But they don't really know the reason NOT TO DO IT. Like we know why it's not good for them, but they don't. So instead of saying the obvious, why not take it as an opportunity to ask them why they did it, and share with them why it wasn't the best choice for them to do it. Again, it's all about being relational, relating to them and with them.)
They are not able to truly apply logical thinking until age 12 when their reasoning abilities kick in. At that age most things are only black/white, right/wrong answers.
Get On The Same Page
We all know it can be challenging to talk with our teenagers. Man oh man. That is an understatement. If I didn't live with intent, and make an effort, I wouldn't have the relationship that I do have now.
One thing that helps along the way that I thought I'd pass on by is that, I make sure we are on the "same page". Of course there are times during the week where I might feel a little distant from my daughter, or we might have a disagreement, or whatever the case may be. But if I feel any sense that there is unsettled business, I'll make sure I ask her, "Are we on the same page here honey?"
It's a question that she can answer honestly from. It keeps things open, so if she is feeling any emotion that is creating distance or a disagreement--they have the opportunity to share it with you. Instead of just "moving on" or sweeping it under the rug so to speak.
This also gives us a last chance as a parent to share how we might feel. Because sometimes along the way we do have to move on, but not until the issue is really dealt with. So once we both lastly lay what is on the table, we can then figure out a way TOGETHER to get on the SAME PAGE. Just because I'm her parent doesn't mean I'm not open to hearing her voice, or her feelings or her ideas! I've got to be open to them actually! The last thing as parents we need to be doing is having power trips. Being relational is the first goal, and then building on that.
So next time you don't feel quite "squared away" with your teen, be sure to ask them, "Are we are the same page?" AND "How can we get on the same page?"
One thing that helps along the way that I thought I'd pass on by is that, I make sure we are on the "same page". Of course there are times during the week where I might feel a little distant from my daughter, or we might have a disagreement, or whatever the case may be. But if I feel any sense that there is unsettled business, I'll make sure I ask her, "Are we on the same page here honey?"
It's a question that she can answer honestly from. It keeps things open, so if she is feeling any emotion that is creating distance or a disagreement--they have the opportunity to share it with you. Instead of just "moving on" or sweeping it under the rug so to speak.
This also gives us a last chance as a parent to share how we might feel. Because sometimes along the way we do have to move on, but not until the issue is really dealt with. So once we both lastly lay what is on the table, we can then figure out a way TOGETHER to get on the SAME PAGE. Just because I'm her parent doesn't mean I'm not open to hearing her voice, or her feelings or her ideas! I've got to be open to them actually! The last thing as parents we need to be doing is having power trips. Being relational is the first goal, and then building on that.
So next time you don't feel quite "squared away" with your teen, be sure to ask them, "Are we are the same page?" AND "How can we get on the same page?"
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Just Because It Makes Them Happy, Doesn't Mean It's Good For Them!
I learned this the hard way with my daughter being diagnosed with Mono. I was humbled when I realized the reason I say YES to most things that make her life so busy, was because IT MADE HER HAPPY! But guess what? IT ALSO MADE HER SICK! It didn't mean it was good for her for me to say "yes". Even though she has built a lot of trust and there is no reason except for taking care of her health, to say no, doesn't mean I should.
I realized when she was first diagnosed, she came into my room to ask me if she could do something. Even though most of the time while she's been sick she's been "down". I thought about what she asked me, and paused, and thought, hmmm....I WANT to say yes, but that doesn't mean I SHOULD! Then, I thought, well "Why do I want to tell her yes?"
And then I thought more and said to myself, "Because it would make her happy!"
BAM! It dawned on me that just because I have no problem saying NO to other things such as material crap, behavior, tone of voice, certain movies or music, doesn't mean that saying YES to running around all the time makes it any smarter! What's the difference? If you asked any of the parents who have a hard time saying NO to their children over the other stuff I mentioned, what do you think their reason would be as to why? It would no doubt be because they know it makes their kid happy if they say YES to that pair of expensive jeans, or whatever the kid is asking for.
So I am no different, I just say YES AND NO to different stuff. And it's proved not well for my daughter.
Not only does she have mono, but she's carrying the Epstein Barr Virus, meaning Mono made it into her blood. She'll most likely carry that for the rest of her life.
I could feel responsible for her illness, but I can't do that. I am learning from it, and now scaling back, even though it's gonna be hard for me and her! I know how happy it makes her to be out and about having her hands in everything. And we all love to see how children happy, don't we?!
So the next time your child asks you something, or the next several times they do, think more about why you are saying YES. I think if it's in moderation, it's gonna be OK obviously to say YES. But I think we all have weaknesses as parents, where we've created a rhythm of YESES and our children are use to it and almost "expect" to get whatever that weakness in us is. Make sense?
But we have to be OPEN to the possibility of learning something as parents. I mean how could I have been this way for 10 years plus and not see it??? Answer me that!
So just keep an open mind and an open heart, and be humbled by the fact that we can always learn as parents. Wrestle with the possibility that some ways we are with are kids isn't what's best for them. You might not get as huge of a wake up call as I did, but it's good to stay on your toes.
Happy "NO" saying time!
I realized when she was first diagnosed, she came into my room to ask me if she could do something. Even though most of the time while she's been sick she's been "down". I thought about what she asked me, and paused, and thought, hmmm....I WANT to say yes, but that doesn't mean I SHOULD! Then, I thought, well "Why do I want to tell her yes?"
And then I thought more and said to myself, "Because it would make her happy!"
BAM! It dawned on me that just because I have no problem saying NO to other things such as material crap, behavior, tone of voice, certain movies or music, doesn't mean that saying YES to running around all the time makes it any smarter! What's the difference? If you asked any of the parents who have a hard time saying NO to their children over the other stuff I mentioned, what do you think their reason would be as to why? It would no doubt be because they know it makes their kid happy if they say YES to that pair of expensive jeans, or whatever the kid is asking for.
So I am no different, I just say YES AND NO to different stuff. And it's proved not well for my daughter.
Not only does she have mono, but she's carrying the Epstein Barr Virus, meaning Mono made it into her blood. She'll most likely carry that for the rest of her life.
I could feel responsible for her illness, but I can't do that. I am learning from it, and now scaling back, even though it's gonna be hard for me and her! I know how happy it makes her to be out and about having her hands in everything. And we all love to see how children happy, don't we?!
So the next time your child asks you something, or the next several times they do, think more about why you are saying YES. I think if it's in moderation, it's gonna be OK obviously to say YES. But I think we all have weaknesses as parents, where we've created a rhythm of YESES and our children are use to it and almost "expect" to get whatever that weakness in us is. Make sense?
But we have to be OPEN to the possibility of learning something as parents. I mean how could I have been this way for 10 years plus and not see it??? Answer me that!
So just keep an open mind and an open heart, and be humbled by the fact that we can always learn as parents. Wrestle with the possibility that some ways we are with are kids isn't what's best for them. You might not get as huge of a wake up call as I did, but it's good to stay on your toes.
Happy "NO" saying time!
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