tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1061753395398217082024-02-21T20:53:17.805-08:00Walk With Your TeenContemplating Beautyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09808854805547064281noreply@blogger.comBlogger28125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-106175339539821708.post-35909344313293226692012-01-03T13:01:00.000-08:002012-01-03T13:01:58.180-08:00Guest Post from Melissa!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">Melissa from Blog Content Guild is Guest Posting today and I'm really honored that she is!<br />
Here is her <a href="http://blogcontentguild.com/">link</a>.<br />
<br />
Tips for Hosting Your Teen’s Birthday Party<br />
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You may recall when he or she was just a kid—all the birthday streamers, pointy hats, and goodie bags. If you want to save your teen from embarrassment, you’ll have to do away with the types of decorations you bought when they were little. Some traditions associated with birthday parties can stay. For example, if they like video games, they might like the idea of incorporating a few <a href="http://www.thepartyworks.com/super-mario-brothers-party-supplies">Mario Bros party supplies</a> into the mix. Just don’t go overboard. And remember that some traditions should go. Keep reading for tips on how to make your teen’s party a memorable one.<br />
<ol start="1"><li>Do Away with Old Party Décor</li>
</ol><br />
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Ask your teen if they want a theme for their party. They will likely say no, but if they say yes, they may be referring to costumes. Decorations that come in party packs are “kid stuff,” so let them decide whether they want costumes or any specific type of decoration. Keep in mind that teenagers are fonder of decisions than surprises. They may want the interior of where the party is being hosted to look a certain way, or they may just want it to look neutral. Ask your teen for insight before setting plans in stone.<br />
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<ol start="2"><li>Food is Always a Plus</li>
</ol><br />
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One thing that is undeniable about teenagers is that they’re always hungry. Their metabolisms are working overtime! Ask your teen if they want pizza, chips, cake, or other snacks. Not only will food satisfy hungry friends, but it can also serve as a conversation piece or icebreaker during potentially awkward moments. A good way to keep things interesting is to keep food coming in waves. Start out with snacks, and then move to a more substantial meal, and then to dessert. That way they’ll have different foods to look forward to throughout the evening.<br />
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<ol start="3"><li>Let Your Teen Create the Guest List</li>
</ol><br />
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You may feel compelled to invite the neighbor’s teens or other teens you know. However, your teen may have a certain guest list in mind. He or she could be teased if certain people outside the normal social circle are invited. And, hold your breath—your teen may ask if you can “leave.” Doing so is not intended to hurt your feelings, but he/she is growing up and may want the opportunity to be an individual and socialize without your guidance. Of course, this decision is up to you, but your teen is likely reaching an age where privacy is important.<br />
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Asking your teen about his/her party preferences is an essential part of the planning. If the both of you work together, the party will be a success!<br />
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</div>Contemplating Beautyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09808854805547064281noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-106175339539821708.post-49776910032663178142011-09-08T11:21:00.000-07:002011-09-08T13:24:19.463-07:00Junior Mint!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1KwZOvs52phICSOH00_rYmwKjtcDy0woc6sNsWwD9Ne_pAPcPMJgtEJN64-V5ZqSHLMhl07Yf9jGobrVVD6LR0LjMor-CT3hxZm1UfPgYT8PQv-dKSh9Aezv-IQ2G1bKt24j9BY6JL_Ly/s1600/junior+mint.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1KwZOvs52phICSOH00_rYmwKjtcDy0woc6sNsWwD9Ne_pAPcPMJgtEJN64-V5ZqSHLMhl07Yf9jGobrVVD6LR0LjMor-CT3hxZm1UfPgYT8PQv-dKSh9Aezv-IQ2G1bKt24j9BY6JL_Ly/s320/junior+mint.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
This is my Junior Mint! </div>
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Isn't she a DOLL!? She started her Junior year yesterday,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and it went very smoothly. Even the whole lunch table thing worked</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
out JUST FINE. I must admit though it's difficult for me that things aren't </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
as sentimental as they once were. I mean I'm a Mother of a 16 year old</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
with no other children, so I am typically sleeping now when she gets up </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and off for school. And her first day was no different. I felt guilty about it </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
for like a second, because she rushed off anyway, </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
"Bye Mommy, I love you, have a good day...."</div>
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and then she was gone! </div>
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Usually we'd have breakfast together, and I'd take a few pictures, </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
but things change I tell ya. And that isn't necessarily a bad thing--even though I've been feeling like it is.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
It's just as simple as times change.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
She is changing. </div>
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Traditions change. </div>
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Yes we made cinnamon rolls every morning the first day of school</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
since she was 4, but I guess it's different now.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Her boyfriend is picking her up and dropping her off and she's not</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
fussing over the" first day of school outfit". </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
So I'll embrace these changes. I'll appreciate the new ones.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I'm thankful that she's a 16 year old that still shares how her day was with me, and that</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
she kisses me good bye every morning. </div>
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I will choose to treasure that even though the other things missing are a loss for me.</div>
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I'm glad I have that choice.<br />
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</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaKDEhWytdeVIlwzxGn78QrgyITm3JUbJaRX1guiflZy1VpJ6hyphenhyphenPSzwVbricPl8B6XMOhhk8Mju0owrmdJWZs4xMm4DLW5SkWik_N2WXxr25cw4F5SvORaQg__F11CP3PPLC0Qr_pNAPpu/s1600/madelynn+and+lucas+1st+day.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaKDEhWytdeVIlwzxGn78QrgyITm3JUbJaRX1guiflZy1VpJ6hyphenhyphenPSzwVbricPl8B6XMOhhk8Mju0owrmdJWZs4xMm4DLW5SkWik_N2WXxr25cw4F5SvORaQg__F11CP3PPLC0Qr_pNAPpu/s320/madelynn+and+lucas+1st+day.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
Contemplating Beautyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09808854805547064281noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-106175339539821708.post-33655124713659414942011-09-06T20:08:00.000-07:002011-09-06T20:51:08.312-07:00Lunch TableIt was so interesting for me to listen to my daughter tonight. We went out to our favorite pizza place<br />
as a toast to her starting her Junior year tomorrow.<br />
<br />
As we started on our conversations during dinner, the "lunch table" got brought up. She randomly and surprisingly started sharing about how the lunch table is the most dreadful period. She assured me that it gets better sooner than later at least with time, but when it comes<br />
to the first day of school, or even the first week, she absolutely hates it. I was so intrigued.<br />
<br />
I asked her why in a surprising voice(I honestly didn't think kids this old still had issues with the "lunch table"). I mean I remember when I was that age with lunch time and how much I detested having to think about it, let alone figure out who I was going to sit with or WHO was going to be in my lunch! Remember that!?<br />
<u><i><br /></i></u><br />
<u><i>Madelynn continued to explain that yes, it's still the most dreadful thing in school, this time of year; for</i></u><br />
<u><i>such reasons as:</i></u><br />
<b><i><br /></i></b><br />
<b><i>-not knowing who will be in your lunch period</i></b><br />
<b><i>-who will you sit by</i></b><br />
<b><i>-the fact that the infamous table you are heading for might get snatched from underneath you</i></b><br />
<b><i>-what do you do if you have a boyfriend in your same lunch? Meaning do you sit with HIM or your girlfriends?</i></b><br />
<b><i>-kids that are in your hour right before lunch automatically have lunch with you, but you</i></b><br />
<b><i>don't necessarily want to sit with them at the lunch table</i></b><br />
<br />
These were concerns and worries that are so real to my precious 16 year old! I felt for her so much. I literally reverted back to when I felt those same feelings in High School, and remember how scary it felt...the dreaded "lunch table".<br />
<br />
It was mostly interesting to me because my daughter is so confident, and she knew a few people that would be in her lunch hour because she knew her schedule for the hour before lunch. But she still felt scared, and was not looking forward to the unknown outcome. I was also surprised because even though she is getting older and is maturing, and even though she is a leader in school amongst her peers, she still struggles with insecurities such as the "lunch table"---a place where I wouldn't have expected her to even think twice about.<br />
<br />
I encouraged her and told her to stick to who she knows will be in her lunch, to plan ahead--<br />
and for maybe one or two of them to go grab a table ahead of time, to at least secure a table,<br />
and that the rest will come naturally. I told her it might be up in the air for the first few days,<br />
but that if she approaches it with a positive attitude and confidence, and with a little team work,<br />
then all would work out.<br />
<br />
Here's my grown up little peanut eating some pizza before school starts tomorrow:<br />
<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDRVXJbgzpYrMi2eWzzLUCUJwR2Zd-2cZkCgD6Tblzmk4ahRRMIhN44G_uiPaYxr8V7x0CGhcF27P-GkYxP1Jje8O4tmcXkaWbclzO73Rl-Y0zjXLNDu5iI4B3aY_dI01XRpUr16eVk9GV/s1600/punch+pizza.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDRVXJbgzpYrMi2eWzzLUCUJwR2Zd-2cZkCgD6Tblzmk4ahRRMIhN44G_uiPaYxr8V7x0CGhcF27P-GkYxP1Jje8O4tmcXkaWbclzO73Rl-Y0zjXLNDu5iI4B3aY_dI01XRpUr16eVk9GV/s320/punch+pizza.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<br />Contemplating Beautyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09808854805547064281noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-106175339539821708.post-86670466226168879532011-09-01T20:54:00.000-07:002011-09-03T17:49:39.116-07:00She's Not My Friend<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8AbWEatfWRbFEq79b1PG7dZ-YKpneI_Q2ybMrDlN9TV62iFiYojRPTYKQrRHaEIHZBmi4rJLbch3-MldlFV21A1DbueeP9ppFk_IqGu6CA45-ecUvsUl6qdmk1aPb0Smm7xqrf8OMGhs8/s1600/me+and+madz+nook+Spring+Break+10.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 275px; height: 292px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8AbWEatfWRbFEq79b1PG7dZ-YKpneI_Q2ybMrDlN9TV62iFiYojRPTYKQrRHaEIHZBmi4rJLbch3-MldlFV21A1DbueeP9ppFk_IqGu6CA45-ecUvsUl6qdmk1aPb0Smm7xqrf8OMGhs8/s320/me+and+madz+nook+Spring+Break+10.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5648300029347306306" border="0" /></a>
<br />Spring Break 2010
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<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhe1Xs1pvaTzUoSD2dzwGJTIPJjtb1hwKDP449DtyqWp9HY2UPjVSN03x-7kqGjUzgqLOX_hCPy10O3Ud4uj9hk3sxVlTtYVyGCKavF1_QS6nhBntyguIfJx534hwQjkQRDq07CU1EzX9HL/s1600/SWEET+16+night+before.JPG"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhe1Xs1pvaTzUoSD2dzwGJTIPJjtb1hwKDP449DtyqWp9HY2UPjVSN03x-7kqGjUzgqLOX_hCPy10O3Ud4uj9hk3sxVlTtYVyGCKavF1_QS6nhBntyguIfJx534hwQjkQRDq07CU1EzX9HL/s320/SWEET+16+night+before.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5648300036919168578" border="0" /></a>
<br />Her Sweet 16 2011
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<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4gzuj4Nd-7tALCI2bJ6YlUiM2CiXXM1Kx6sRZgy40Yre3B0DSHmEvMvXX2p2a50DIIjkLA2_Xa_dhAwnLmwHENgBHlZ6jDP5v4U-WRbzYHmcxkDVGELd0XJ6jerx-95TR8nM7bEGjcXid/s1600/Moominvalley+2010+%25282%2529.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4gzuj4Nd-7tALCI2bJ6YlUiM2CiXXM1Kx6sRZgy40Yre3B0DSHmEvMvXX2p2a50DIIjkLA2_Xa_dhAwnLmwHENgBHlZ6jDP5v4U-WRbzYHmcxkDVGELd0XJ6jerx-95TR8nM7bEGjcXid/s320/Moominvalley+2010+%25282%2529.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5648298053581389330" border="0" /></a>
<br />After one of her plays in 2010
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<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbu_Bxu3_k84sHkY5n3kCAW72c5EWiX3P0j0HXMpRn1TTWDbsoP5lEqEEev-XNi4AzyuQBvQDMSYJAjWFqLNj17H4pJ4PpjF7MsMCzmySfGVWMIXSH2Ic9Bslqo0FGaydq6NP4z-kONK3l/s1600/gina+madz+bacch.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 240px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbu_Bxu3_k84sHkY5n3kCAW72c5EWiX3P0j0HXMpRn1TTWDbsoP5lEqEEev-XNi4AzyuQBvQDMSYJAjWFqLNj17H4pJ4PpjF7MsMCzmySfGVWMIXSH2Ic9Bslqo0FGaydq6NP4z-kONK3l/s320/gina+madz+bacch.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5648298047587149010" border="0" /></a>
<br />After one of her plays in 2009
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<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJacJZlUsq7WolKPVRTNtIrjRQR3iBOgXsT-FdLziT4fLGVgmCcC0barmo71s9FyMGFyOBNVgSlcotMbH9vCLLzeE77m9nipy6INtl5q8Po95vd_Rm7NBxZUuQPNG3VleVcmXLtCDKOMbW/s1600/gina+and+madz+fair.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 240px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJacJZlUsq7WolKPVRTNtIrjRQR3iBOgXsT-FdLziT4fLGVgmCcC0barmo71s9FyMGFyOBNVgSlcotMbH9vCLLzeE77m9nipy6INtl5q8Po95vd_Rm7NBxZUuQPNG3VleVcmXLtCDKOMbW/s320/gina+and+madz+fair.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5648298042449553618" border="0" /></a>
<br />A Fair in Michigan 2008
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<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaZ40IQ7QpQX2jueJgmbqNsfa3Otqs_Q0-7fq7edkK7WBzP5U6z2d5K0-RoiZiu0P0f-pn8jTrZK7qBYJja5-uvAUzaPwIUtaK_xRRk36x_LjFpB3BJqFTamg9SEsA5sH6oM5d9_RcvMY9/s1600/Milwaukee+2011+015.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaZ40IQ7QpQX2jueJgmbqNsfa3Otqs_Q0-7fq7edkK7WBzP5U6z2d5K0-RoiZiu0P0f-pn8jTrZK7qBYJja5-uvAUzaPwIUtaK_xRRk36x_LjFpB3BJqFTamg9SEsA5sH6oM5d9_RcvMY9/s320/Milwaukee+2011+015.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5648298056320696658" border="0" /></a>
<br />Streets of Milwaukee 2011
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<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxIWtXviwhTWTy-byJJNxgtOABWC-ths3mIWTk-na79AVcVPmYHc2qVui10dsCOYbds7hsdqkDBxICfCWdQ6VDspks1ZhGQvYPt5uWq4FJljrso3XsFYSBnKF6Hrx9a0i2sZh5Q9eCGiR0/s1600/Mother%2527s+Day+2011+%25284%2529.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 239px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxIWtXviwhTWTy-byJJNxgtOABWC-ths3mIWTk-na79AVcVPmYHc2qVui10dsCOYbds7hsdqkDBxICfCWdQ6VDspks1ZhGQvYPt5uWq4FJljrso3XsFYSBnKF6Hrx9a0i2sZh5Q9eCGiR0/s320/Mother%2527s+Day+2011+%25284%2529.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5648292920277042690" border="0" /></a>
<br />Mother's Day 2011
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<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwAoLyncj0UmKSJQ_zuELo0orxkJsLzfrl4ttiFYTXkoRglhuWc4V1a7H7gnv3JR1GzicRVYNMK60DmvGNb56AgjWm1cmXTV1mj1nEo6T-qoE-uUfLb8d1-RYasbdear-v3LSSG_fYt4R3/s1600/Me+and+Madz+Michigan+2010.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwAoLyncj0UmKSJQ_zuELo0orxkJsLzfrl4ttiFYTXkoRglhuWc4V1a7H7gnv3JR1GzicRVYNMK60DmvGNb56AgjWm1cmXTV1mj1nEo6T-qoE-uUfLb8d1-RYasbdear-v3LSSG_fYt4R3/s320/Me+and+Madz+Michigan+2010.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5648292917835569106" border="0" /></a>
<br />Michigan 2010
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<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJR-4aDir-STaQ_Y0m92wwl_lEpwKs3X8O2i6sb_gC0DekSoLGVrifNpdKGUZa-lvvvi9vQh1Ih-RztgCsoVJB_0vGDbnlflm0juFXCDFcBWYmss8z_rucdwwRKc9KrNxus8p1r3AW7JBI/s1600/gina+and+madz+fall+2009.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 240px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJR-4aDir-STaQ_Y0m92wwl_lEpwKs3X8O2i6sb_gC0DekSoLGVrifNpdKGUZa-lvvvi9vQh1Ih-RztgCsoVJB_0vGDbnlflm0juFXCDFcBWYmss8z_rucdwwRKc9KrNxus8p1r3AW7JBI/s320/gina+and+madz+fall+2009.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5648292913622702658" border="0" /></a>
<br />Streets of Hastings 2008
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<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHz0-7ahjewsBTDeER3Jlh7641c6QPs9zQy33FIH34AAjYFNglHDrKY2Z7XmbbePVvmSzNgfycbPUQGOF3URlM-EVTl7MKV8DSsZR_SQNxJjdMuYEM-KRC2IHFS8zJu2_Bvw6nJDInO842/s1600/IMG_1159.JPG"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHz0-7ahjewsBTDeER3Jlh7641c6QPs9zQy33FIH34AAjYFNglHDrKY2Z7XmbbePVvmSzNgfycbPUQGOF3URlM-EVTl7MKV8DSsZR_SQNxJjdMuYEM-KRC2IHFS8zJu2_Bvw6nJDInO842/s320/IMG_1159.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5648292929880283666" border="0" /></a>
<br />Vacation 2011
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<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhB3gqn0ZgNwNGtOtTCe_Lhv0wdK92Y70fsfwWqjxbPksRb3giWxTcdWMYEYXd7xGo2Z_452oB8LL4ehltqKQGq9kPWGOkOVUGqNclZbzVVYi4k1flmKXX2Md42Va73uCPYQgKEAA8VHamS/s1600/memadzsummer2011.JPG"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 239px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhB3gqn0ZgNwNGtOtTCe_Lhv0wdK92Y70fsfwWqjxbPksRb3giWxTcdWMYEYXd7xGo2Z_452oB8LL4ehltqKQGq9kPWGOkOVUGqNclZbzVVYi4k1flmKXX2Md42Va73uCPYQgKEAA8VHamS/s320/memadzsummer2011.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5648291502275638002" border="0" /></a>
<br />Family Reunion 2011
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<br /><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" style="font-size:130%;">Ok</span><span style="font-size:130%;">, this isn't entirely </span><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:130%;" >true.</span><span style="font-size:130%;"> But you'll see my point.
<br />
<br />I'm an extremely reflective, authentic, intentional human being. I think we
<br />were all created to be this way, but along the way nature/nurture messed
<br />it up for us. Apparently not for me because I long for human connection,
<br />I hunger for community and shared fellowship.
<br />
<br />I have another blog called <a href="http://www.contemplatingbeauty.blogspot.com/">Contemplating Beauty</a>, and over at that blog
<br />I try to share with the world all that I think is beautiful. It could be from a
<br />simple cup of coffee in the morning shared with a bird singing,
<br />or it could be a smile from my teenager.
<br />I find beauty in </span><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1" style="font-size:130%;">ANYthing</span><span style="font-size:130%;">
<br />and </span><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2" style="font-size:130%;">EVERYthing</span><span style="font-size:130%;">. I can't help myself. It's how I see life and God's creation.
<br />
<br />Something I've been reflecting on lately is how I've messed up quite a few times
<br />when I've mistaken my daughter as my friend (and even her friends) as </span><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:130%;" >my</span><span style="font-size:130%;"> friend.
<br />I can use the word "friend" loosely, and sure, my daughter is my friend
<br />and her friends are my friends. </span><span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" >But she is not my friend first. </span><span style="font-size:130%;">
<br />
<br />Of course the thought has occurred to me before, my daughter is 16, and
<br />I am always hearing stories or being warned by people saying, (in a deeper voice)-
<br />"Make sure you aren't friends with her first now ya hear, that's a mistake a lot
<br />of parents are making these days, they want to be friends with their kids,
<br />you have to be her disciplinary and her parent first."
<br />
<br />For some reason when I was washing my hair tonight the thought again occurred to me--"Gee, I was trying to be her friend then" OR "Darn it, I shouldn't have shared THAT with her
<br />that one time...."
<br />It was highlighted to me the areas in where I did try to gain her friendship; such as
<br />telling her about something in my marriage, or acting like I fit in with her friends by
<br />jumping in on their conversations (</span><span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3" style="font-size:130%;">awkwarrrrrrd</span><span style="font-size:130%;">)!
<br />
<br /></span><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:130%;" >I believe it comes down to the fact that because I am a reflective person and I want</span><span style="font-size:130%;">
<br /></span><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:130%;" >to keep growing and never become complacent that I think on such things as this.</span><span style="font-size:130%;">
<br /></span><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:130%;" >If something doesn't feel quite right in a situation, conversation or happening, I </span><span style="font-size:130%;">
<br /></span><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:130%;" >always always look back on it, contemplate, if you will, and search for what made it</span><span style="font-size:130%;">
<br /></span><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:130%;" >feel "off". I dig deeper in essence, so I can bring something better, new, more mature, or </span><span style="font-size:130%;">
<br /></span><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:130%;" >possibly even beautiful next time around. </span><span style="font-size:130%;">
<br /></span><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:130%;" >In all my interactions, not just with my teenager. </span><span style="font-size:130%;">
<br />
<br />I believe it is our responsibility as human beings to reach for this. To be<span style="font-style: italic;"> aware</span> of
<br />where there might be some chaos brewing, or where we are missing the mark and remedy it so we can be more whole
<br />people for the ones we love.
<br />
<br />My daughter doesn't need anymore friends, she's got plenty, and their her own age!
<br />
<br />I need to resist those times that I want to share certain things with her, or be a part of
<br />her conversations with her friends.
<br />I know being a young Mom can contribute to
<br />some of this confusion. It's easier to cross the line for both of us. Because she has to
<br />remember too that I am not her friend (first).</span>
<br />Contemplating Beautyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09808854805547064281noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-106175339539821708.post-59495971277245334182011-08-15T21:15:00.000-07:002011-08-16T11:13:28.082-07:00Validation, Validation, ValidationOur kids need it. Us adults need it. It's Psychology 101.
<br />
<br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 102); font-style: italic;">VALIDATE:</span>
<br /><div class="dndata"><span id="hotword"><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 102); cursor: default;" id="hotword" name="hotword">to</span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 102);"> </span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 102); cursor: default;" id="hotword" name="hotword">give</span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 102);"> </span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 102); cursor: default;" id="hotword" name="hotword">official</span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 102);"> </span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 102);" id="hotword" name="hotword">sanction,</span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 102);"> </span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 102);" id="hotword" name="hotword">confirmation,</span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 102);"> </span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 102);" id="hotword" name="hotword">or</span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 102);"> </span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 102); cursor: default;" id="hotword" name="hotword">approval</span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 102);"> </span><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); cursor: default;" id="hotword" name="hotword"><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 102);">to move forward</span>
<br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 102);">authenticate, verify, heard</span>
<br />
<br /></span><span style="font-style: italic;" id="hotword" name="hotword"></span><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); cursor: default; font-style: italic;" id="hotword" name="hotword"></span><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); cursor: default; font-style: italic;" id="hotword" name="hotword"></span><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); cursor: default; font-style: italic;" id="hotword" name="hotword"></span><span style="font-style: italic;" id="hotword" name="hotword"></span><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); cursor: default; font-style: italic;" id="hotword" name="hotword"></span><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); cursor: default; font-style: italic;" id="hotword" name="hotword"></span></span><span style="font-style: italic;" class="ital-inline"><span id="hotword"></span></span><span style="font-style: italic;">It's super simple:when our kids share how they FEEL, we listen</span>
<br /></div><span style="font-style: italic;">and make sure we let them know that we have heard them, and </span>
<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">that their feelings are OK and acceptable no matter what. Their gonna feel</span><div><span></span><i>a lot and they need OUR help in navigating through their feelings.
<br /></i>
<br />For instance if our kids share something that might offend us or hurt us--meaning
<br />they share their feelings about something involving us-due to something we might have done, we need to accept that too. Even if they are wrong or off base, (we can get to that later), but
<br /><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">FIRST THINGS FIRST, validate how they feel.</span>
<br />They need this from us like we need <span style="font-weight: bold;">AIR.</span>
<br />
<br />Our kids have to know that what they feel and think is OK and understandable.
<br />This is why I am so passionate about viewing our kids as humans. Not just our children,
<br />but HUMAN children, if that makes any sense, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">haha</span>. They have feelings and emotions that stem from deeper issues, they make mistakes, they are flawed etc. etc. just like us.
<br />
<br />If you ask a child how something makes them feel or what is wrong for example an event where someone teased them, or a teacher that was rude or short with them, OR you as a parent raising your voice or yelling at them during homework or because they didn't do all their chores. WHATEVER the case may be, it's vital, vital that they know it's OK how they feel about it.<span style="font-style: italic;"> They may feel angry at you, frustrated by confusion, and sad due to being teased or misunderstood in some way.</span> And it's important for them to share that with us.
<br />
<br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 102);">VALIDATION EXAMPLES:</span>
<br />
<br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 102);">-What did I do to make you feel this way?</span>
<br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 102);">-I understand how that must make you feel.</span>
<br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 102);">-Do you feel this way every time ________?</span>
<br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 102);">-I am so sorry that you are feeling this way, it's OK though, I want to make it better.</span>
<br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 102);">-That must be scary, I didn't realize I was raising my voice so often, I will work on it.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#000066;">
<br /></span></div><div><span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#000066;">NON-VALIDATING EXAMPLES:</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#000066;">
<br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#000066;">-Don't be silly!</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#000066;">-That's ridiculous, don't feel that way.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#000066;">-Oh forget about it, you're fine.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#000066;">-Get over it.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#000066;">-But, well, you see, because, etc. etc...</span></div><div>
<br />Our kids are most likely not going to come to us, at least in the earlier years, so we have got to make a point to ask them if we sense chaos in our relationship. I mean our kids' brains aren't fully developed until they are 26 years old or something crazy like that--so they can't grasp concepts that we can as adults. We need to remember that.
<br />
<br />If we don't remember to use validation--our kids will shut down. I mean think about our marriages. Can you imagine if we didn't validate our spouses feelings? If we just steam rolled(by this I mean ignoring or discounting, debating) right over their feelings without <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">recognizing</span> them, or labeling them as important?
<br />You <span style="font-style: italic;">can</span> disagree with your partner or kid all you want, but you still need to validate how they feel. Because that's just it, it's how<span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;"> THEY feel, not how YOU feel.</span> You'll get your turn.
<br />
<br />We will do so much good for our kids if we validate their feelings. They will gain confidence, and have a good self esteem, because they will feel good about being a people in this world by knowing that what they feel is normal, and valid. It might not always be what's REAL, but they will learn that eventually. For now, they just need to know it's<span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;"> OK</span>. They need to know we hear them, and that we want to help offer solutions for what they are feeling.
<br />
<br />They will eventually most likely share more of who they are without fear. And they will live what they learn, so they will validate important people in <span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">their </span>life. How cool is that?!
<br />
<br />
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<br /></div>Contemplating Beautyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09808854805547064281noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-106175339539821708.post-12097309351303231262011-08-10T21:22:00.001-07:002011-08-10T21:45:37.329-07:00Remember, You've Been There<span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-family:lucida grande;">I promise you can relate to your teenager.</span>
<br />
<br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;">Just think.</span>
<br />
<br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;">If they share with you an issue that is going on in their life, you've got to </span></span><span style="font-style: italic; font-family:lucida grande;font-size:130%;" >embrace</span><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-family:lucida grande;"> it.</span>
<br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;">I'm </span><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" style="font-family:lucida grande;">tellin</span><span style="font-family:lucida grande;"> you, no matter how embarrassing it feels or how uncomfortable you get, </span>
<br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;">and no matter how inclined you are to want to bolt, just stay. </span><span style="font-style: italic; font-family:lucida grande;" >Breathe</span><span style="font-family:lucida grande;">.</span>
<br />
<br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;">I had one of these moments yesterday with my daughter. I won't get into detail but I can tell you I wanted to FLEE.</span>
<br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;">BUT, I quickly remembered that she is opening up to me, and that is to be cherished and I didn't want to ruin the moment.</span>
<br />
<br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;">It was one of those topics that you'd prefer to avoid, but you know you can't as a parent. </span>
<br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;">So I used the tactic of going back in my brain to when I was her age, and how I went through something similar. It saved the moment! I retreated back to a time when I felt the way she did and when I had done something similar, and instead of being judgmental and controlling, I told her that I had been there, and that I understood. I was able to "go back in time" quickly enough to help her.
<br />
<br />In remembering that I had been there too, I could offer advice and insight that I otherwise wouldn't have been able to. Knowing that I had been through something so similar made me normal. It showed her what I had learned from the situation. She was so super grateful for the new perspective I could give her. Because that is, </span><span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1" style="font-family:lucida grande;">after all</span><span style="font-family:lucida grande;">, mostly what our kids need, new perspectives. (I'll be blogging on this soon)</span>
<br />
<br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;">I know there are times when you feel like you can't relate to your teenager, but I submit to you that you CAN. It's just a matter of us going back in time, and remembering that you've probably felt, done, and seen all or more of what they have-</span></span><span style="font-style: italic; font-family:lucida grande;font-size:130%;" >-so tap into that, take advantage of that</span><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-family:lucida grande;">, </span></span><span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold; font-family:lucida grande;font-size:130%;" >make that work in your favor, so in turn it works in their favor</span><span style="font-weight: bold; font-family:lucida grande;font-size:130%;" >.</span><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-family:lucida grande;">
<br />
<br />It's a win win for both of you. You will have kept your cool as a parent, yet guided and helped your kid--and they will have learned to trust you just a bit more and more than likely come back to you for more insight.</span>
<br />
<br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;">Our teenagers are not aliens like most people think. I mean, honestly I think teenagers get a bad rap. </span></span><span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold; font-family:lucida grande;font-size:130%;" >Just be REAL. Be HONEST. Be PATIENT. Be UNDERSTANDING. LISTEN. RELATE. RESPOND, DON'T REACT. </span><span style="font-size:130%;">
<br />
<br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;">You've been their age before so how can you </span></span><span style="font-style: italic; font-family:lucida grande;font-size:130%;" >not</span><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-family:lucida grande;"> relate? Find a way. Our kids need us to get on their level; we need to gain their trust, it's not just us needing to gain <span style="font-style: italic;">their</span> trust.</span>
<br />
<br /><span style="font-family:lucida grande;">So take a trip down memory lane, and find a way to connect with your kid.</span></span> And remember--you've been there.
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<br />Contemplating Beautyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09808854805547064281noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-106175339539821708.post-2990212618922453242011-08-09T21:27:00.000-07:002011-08-09T21:40:11.356-07:00Share 2 ThingsSometimes there can be <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">awkward</span> silences or even a lull in conversation when it comes to us and our teenagers.
<br />
<br />When this happens I use this slick trick called "share 2 things". I'll ask my daughter when there doesn't seem to be much to talk about at the time, or if she's being quiet for longer periods of time than normal:
<br />
<br /><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic; color: rgb(153, 0, 0);">Share 1 thing with me in your mind and</span>
<br /><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic; color: rgb(153, 0, 0);">share 1 thing with me in your heart.</span>
<br />
<br />She seemed to dig the idea, and it was an easy way for her to open up, which led to conversation and relationship building. It gave me more insight, <span style="font-style: italic;">and</span> it showed her that I am continually interested and open to chatting, and that I care about what's going on in that mind and heart of hers.
<br />
<br />She was more than willing to share, and it was entertaining for me to see her have to think about what she was going to share!
<br />
<br />This is something that could even be done daily and even with younger kids--try it and comment to let me know how it went.
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<br />Contemplating Beautyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09808854805547064281noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-106175339539821708.post-64086820058347849652011-07-30T22:21:00.000-07:002011-08-01T14:56:24.572-07:003 Steps Toward Respect1.<span style="font-weight: bold;"> GIVE your teenager reasons</span>: You don't have to have a long list of reasons as to why you say no to something they want or ask for. But I think it's a bad, actually lazy habit to get into to NOT give them a reason. I mean there <span style="font-style: italic;">is</span> a reason you are are saying no after all, right? Any person can say, "Because I said so, I'm the parent, that's good enough." Why not shoot for something that will work better and be more loving? Show your kid that they are worth it.<br />It's a step toward respect if you can take just literally an extra minute or two to give them a good reason. They will appreciate it. And not only will you be respecting them to care enough to give them a good reason, but they will respect <span style="font-style: italic;">you</span>--AHH BONUS!<br /><br />2. <span style="font-weight: bold;">Ask them questions</span>: By this I mean, don't assume. If you are in a situation with your teen where they did something wrong, or even if you think they are hiding something--go ahead and ask them. Inquire about their lives in a non accusatory way. I've caught myself plenty of times coming across to my daughter that I know what she did, or I assume why she did it. When I find myself in a situation with her where I'm disappointed or suspicious I've learned to ask questions. That way it's more of a two way street and I'm not just shootin off my mouth trying to control a situation that might not even be a reality. I've found most times than not that when I do ask her about stuff, she appreciates it, and will answer. It shows her I respect her because I'm addressing an issue without assuming or judging.<br /><br />3. <span style="font-weight: bold;">Give them a voice:</span> I believe our kids want to be <span style="font-style: italic;">heard</span>. And in a desperate way. They have got to have an outlet--a place they can share what they are feeling. Being a teen is so difficult because of the emotions that are so rampant in their lives. I remember them very clearly even as an adult now. We can respect our kids by giving them a voice in many different situations: if they get in trouble, we need to let them share about their thought process a bit, or when they get frustrated or annoyed with us, we need to let them say why. We need to hear them out if they feel that something we do is unfair, rude, or embarrassing. This creates a mutual respect because it gives them a chance to experience us as human beings, not just parents. It helps anyone to be able to speak up and work through feelings, doesn't it? Listen to what they have to say.Contemplating Beautyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09808854805547064281noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-106175339539821708.post-11739223998563607262011-07-29T19:08:00.001-07:002011-07-29T21:45:26.916-07:00A Mutual RespectOne way I've always viewed parenting is through the eyes of mutual respect.<br /><br />It seems to me there is a lot of "power over"controlling behaviors, and less RESPECT when it comes to <span style="font-style: italic;">parent/child relationship</span>. Almost like an authority type relationship. You might be thinking, "WELL YA, I <span style="font-style: italic;">do </span>have authority over my child, I am the adult here!"<br /><br />And that is obviously true. But that is not ALL there is, right?<br /><br />I've always looked at my daughter as an equal human being. I've tried to keep my perspective of not only<span style="font-style: italic;"> for her </span>to respect<span style="font-style: italic;"> me</span>, but <span style="font-style: italic;">me</span> to respect <span style="font-style: italic;">her</span>.<br /><br />As parents we want to raise our kids to be wonderful well rounded people.<br />And we do that the best we know how. We do that with what and where we are at the time in our lives. We raise them based on our upbringing, our experiences, and beliefs, and how we visualize what we want their future to hold.<br /><br />One of the best ways I can think of accomplishing that is to treat your child with the same respect we would like. The fact is we ARE older than our children, and that we do have authority over them. That is not what I'm arguing. But I think when we can see our children as imperfect humans, and ourselves for that matter as flawed humans, we'll get a lot further in relationship with our kids.<br /><br />I don't agree with the view that it's all only about kids needing to respect their parents.<br />I think WE need to respect our KIDS too. It goes both ways. <span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">We need to create a mutual respect.</span><br /><br />It seems to me there ends up being so many road blocks for parents who don't have this view. Kids don't want to share with their parents when they feel threatened or fear; so they'll hide, lie, they don't enjoy talking to their parents, and they push their parents away.<br /><br />Do you think some of this could be because of the respect we demand? And all the while we are busy demanding respect, we lose insight on our kids hearts?<br /><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">I mean does anyone really get respect who demands it or thinks they deserve it?</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">We've got to get busy respecting our kids, and building harmony with them. </span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">This doesn't mean that we aren't "in charge" it just means we are in charge AND we are respecting them. Treating them not only as a child that we are raising and guiding, but also as an important human being that needs to be heard, validated, and encouraged-no matter what.<br />It means we are "in charge" AND we are </span>disciplining<span style="font-style: italic;"> them. It means we are in charge and we are talking with them through conflict and giving them a voice.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">It means we are in charge AND showing grace when they mess up. It means we are in charge AND we are patient with them. It means we are in charge AND give them their freedoms. It means we are in charge, AND give them advice and guidance. It means we are in charge but we understand what they are going through because, hey-haven't we all been there?</span><br /><br />We are entrusted with our kids and it's not only a blessing, it's a PRIVILEGE. I'm for one not going to go through each day thinking I am in control of my daughter, because no matter what I do, unless it's short of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">tying </span>her up in her room until she's 18--it's NEVER gonna happen.<br /><br />So I need to learn balance, and I think that starts with looking at her as an equal. I'm just a flawed human delighted to raise her up the best I can, and she's just a flawed human entrusted to me with no choice--wanting to be the best child she can be, because ya know what? Our kids look up to us. They need us. We need to give them a TENDER LOVE. Yes we do know what's best for them for sure, and as we start building more of this relationship, and WALKING through life with them, they will BELIEVE that we know what's best.<br /><br />This balance may look different for each situation and each child, and I understand that. But I can honestly bet that if we all started looking and thinking about our child in terms of equality, they would come around in a heartbeat. When we have a controlling way about us, it pushes them away. If we have a tender heart, and invite them in as equal beings, they will run toward us. Which direction do you want your child to run in?Contemplating Beautyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09808854805547064281noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-106175339539821708.post-61670237075989234992011-07-27T12:31:00.000-07:002011-07-27T13:06:19.589-07:00Unconditional LoveI thought of a "new" concept the other day when I was taking a walk to clear my head. The concept and saying itself isn't new, "Unconditional Love" but the way I wanted to address it, I think was newer.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: left;">I was feeling uneasy after a debacle my daughter and I had gone through the night before.<br />Last year I blogged about how sick she got from running herself ragged and how I recognized and learned as a Mother that part of that was my fault. I don't like to scapegoat in my life AT ALL, so I should say, it was my responsibility. I learned that I say no to a lot of <span style="font-style: italic;">certain </span>things, but YES to quite a bit. One of the areas I say yes to a lot is to let my daughter go out a lot and do stuff, and be involved in school and activities. This girl is involved in dance, show choir, student council, student officers, drama club, church...I'm sure I've left out a few. Oh ya, band and choir.<br /><br />Not only is she very involved but she lives life to the fullest, which is what I taught her. But she gives all of her self, %100 to everyone, even her teachers. That can be exhausting and with the combo of all of this, she crashed in the winter of 2010. She was diagnosed with Mono, and it went to her blood stream, so now she has Epstein Barr.<br /><br />I give that background to say this: I am learning to say no more to "protect" her. She was gone in Michigan for 2 weeks, and toward the end of her trip, she got a high fever. It was able to resolve itself, but I know it was her body screaming at her to take a break. So I need to step up and be her advocate. I know I'm going to be her worst nightmare this summer, but it's because it's what's best for her. If it were up to her, she would not slow down. She's constantly on the go.<br /><br />So I've started to implement this new advocacy over her, and it's not going horrible, but it's not quite going the best either. For instance, the other night after she had been resting and <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">chillin</span> most of the day, she got a phone call from a friend to see if she could go swimming for a few hours. This phone call came at like 8:30p at night, and I thought what was best for her was to just keep laying low because she had her best friend coming from St.Paul for a few days, and she'd be on the go. She was NOT happy with my decision.<br /><br />Between the hours of 9pm and Midnight, she treated me completely differently. This was based on my NO to go swimming. I gave her my reasons, and she didn't agree, which is fine-that is her right, but my answer wasn't going to change.<br /><br />This is something that is quite common between us. She will treat me differently based on my yes or <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">no's</span> if she can do something with her friends or not. I know what you are thinking, "This is common/typical teenage behavior" and I would agree with you--BUT why accept it? Why not think of a different/new way to deal with this? We all experience it as parents, and it's annoying and can actually be hurtful.<br /><br />So I was thinking on my walk about the concept of unconditional love. When my daughter treats me different and acts the way she does when I say "no", she is loving me based on conditions, and that isn't right. I need to love her unconditionally and I do, (although if I am truthful, I could think of areas that I haven't)- but she also needs to love me unconditionally, which I know she does, but when it comes to this--she doesn't. She's putting a condition on me due to my answer.<br /><br />I asked her today if she understood this concept and she said she did. She told me she had been thinking about it for a couple of days now too and felt bad the way she treated me.<br />My daughter <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Madelynn</span> said that she thinks using and remembering this concept for these kind of situations could really help her!<br /><br />I want to encourage all parents to know that we don't have to accept "typical teenage behavior"--yes we know it is inevitable, and it will be difficult--but we can view things in a new light, and try different concepts that can build and help our relationship with our teens.<br /><br />Don't accept the status <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">quo</span>! I refuse to do that, and am making an effort-and it IS effort--to create peace, and resolve conflict and try new things.<br /><br />I think unconditional love is a neat place to start. Ask you teenager to love YOU unconditionally and ask yourself if you are loving THEM unconditionally. Discover what that looks like together.<br /><br /><br /></div>Contemplating Beautyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09808854805547064281noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-106175339539821708.post-74056756531050409202011-06-08T10:41:00.000-07:002011-06-15T18:16:36.712-07:00It’s Not Personal<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> <w:useasianbreakrules/> </w:Compatibility> <w:browserlevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman";} </style> <![endif]--> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;">One of the hardest lessons I’ve had to learn as a Mom is that it’s not personal. Meaning I can’t take things personal in regard to my teenager. A lot of what we go through with them will feel like its personal, or maybe I’m just more sensitive! I’ve come a long way with not taking things personal, but it still creeps in now and again—I’m only human, right?!</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;"> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;">What I’ve seen is that our kids have there own issues too. For me to not take things personal, meaning that my daughter is doing something against me or because of me, I’ve had to separate the label of her being my child, and me being her Mother. It might sound odd or even crazy Ville, but honestly it has helped so much.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;"> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;">For me to detach from those roles, even if it’s just for minutes, it helps. I look at her as a human being. I view her as an individual apart from me, someone who is just a girl, trying to get through these trying years as a teen. If I view her in this way sometimes, it helps me see that she has her own struggles, and they really don’t have anything to do with me, but with her. </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;"> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;">She went to Prom a few weeks ago, and we were doing pictures at her boyfriends home. When we arrived with my daughter, we were not greeted. Her boyfriends Mother didn’t say how beautiful she looked let alone Hello. For the next hour it was like an organized boot camp, and extremely uncomfortable. I was so taken off guard and so shocked at the way this woman behaved that it through me off my game. I spoke up and asked directly and politely when we were going to do photos with my daughter and her family. When I did that my daughter shushed me. </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;">That kicked me in the gut. I felt at that moment that she was embarrassed of me. I noticed throughout this photo taking boot camp, that my daughter was very keen on what would come out of my mouth. Almost like she was watching me. I could feel the tension. </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;"> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;">I felt awful, I was totally taking it personal. I felt like my daughter was against me and for her boyfriends Mother. I felt like she was choosing them! It was very difficult and painful to go through. </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;">And we never know what is going to throw us off. I mean why would something like this throw me off? Why would it affect me? Why was I so hurt? I wasn’t even hurt by the other Mother, I was hurt by my daughter.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;"> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;">It took us a good week to iron this one out. But WE DID. With commitment and perseverance and TIME. It might be something a lot of people would just move on from and not get to the bottom of, but I refuse to accept that. I want to teach my daughter conflict management, and I can’t do that if we just move on or sweep it under the rug. </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;">We knew there was a deeper issue here, and we got to the bottom of it together. She even said a few times, “Mom, I’m so tired of talking about this, we’ve been on it now for days, can we just let it go?”</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;">My response was that, yes there is a time and place to let go, but if conflict hasn’t been resolved, or even in the midst of it being resolved you can take breaks, but until we are reconciled, it’s not time to let go.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;"> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;">We learned so much about the both of us—I learned again that it wasn’t personal-she wasn’t embarrassed of me, she wasn’t choosing them over me. I learned that my daughter is at the age where she can hurt me; whether intentionally or unintentionally. And that I need to learn how to handle it when she does.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;"> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;">My daughter learned that she cares too much about what others think. She’s known this for a while, but she put caring about what they think above recognizing that the whole family was uncomfortable and it was frustrating for us. I told her that all she had to do was come up to me quietly and say, “Mom, I know this is super annoying and frustrating, I’m with you, I hear you, but it’s almost over.” Something like that. But hey, she’s 16! A lot of adults don’t do that!</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;"> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;">We both see new (and old) areas of our worse self that we need to work on and improve. We are both up for the challenge and together we are stronger for going through this rough patch!</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;"> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;">Everyday I’m learning more and more that it’s not personal, my daughter is not just my baby girl, she is her own individual with her own struggles and short comings. It’s not about me most of the time, it’s about life and herself.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>But I had to make the time to see the truth of these things. I’m so thankful it wasn’t about me, because I have my own self to manage!</span></p>Contemplating Beautyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09808854805547064281noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-106175339539821708.post-54833848042859910642011-05-10T21:40:00.000-07:002011-05-10T21:41:02.673-07:00Paper Cut-outs and Expectations<p><i>I often have expectations for Mother's Day. Sort of like I do for my Birthday. It's the two days that I sort of technically "get away" with doing, well--NOTHING. It's the two days I have in mind where I AM SERVED. It's the two days where I don't have to wipe a counter top down, find lost items, feed the dogs, make a lunch, answer a ton of questions, figure out schedules, keep track of emails from school/activities, make decisions, and the list goes on. </i></p><p><i>It's the two days where I just AM. I kind of envision it where my house hold is revolving around ME, not the other </i></p><p><i>way around. Kind of like they are looking out for me. They are catering to me. And if I really want to be </i></p> <p><i>fairytale-ish, it's the two days where I feel like a QUEEN. Or at least aspire to.</i></p><p><i><br /></i></p><p><i>Through the years I've collected many of hand made plants that my daughter brought home from school only to die right away. I've got a drawer full of paper cards, and lots of "cut outs" as I like to refer to them as. Whether she's cut out a person shape, a flower or a number, I have it.</i></p><p><i>I have construction paper riddled with glue, glitter and gems. I have clay pots, wooden plaques, dried flowers, and heart felt hand-written notes. </i></p><p><i><br /></i></p><p><i>In more recent years I've gotten store bought-en cards-- And this year, a store bought-en keys chain, which I LOVED. It's a dog house and it has a photo spot so I can insert Nells. I even got a box of my favorite candy, Charleston Chews! </i></p><p><i><br /></i></p><p><i>I'd have to say as my daughter gets older, I really really miss the home-made crafted goodies. And I admit I sort of expected them, if I'm being completely honest. It's seems the enthusiasm fades on days such as this a bit as children get older. </i></p><p><i>I miss the running up and jumping on the bed with the glitter spilling everywhere. I miss the excitement of doing something special for "Mommy". </i></p><p><i><br /></i></p><p><i>I found myself hung up on this throughout the day. And maybe it was just because my daughter forgot to get me a card? Maybe it's because I didn't get a card or gift from my Husband? </i></p><p><i><br /></i></p><p><i>I don't know. </i></p><p><i><br /></i></p><p><i>Maybe my hang ups are justified? Maybe I'm selfish? Maybe I'm sad and mourning that I have only ONE YEAR left for celebrating Mother's Day with my daughter under the age of ADULThood? Maybe I'm frustrated with their lack of effort?</i></p><p><i>Am I taken for granted? Do they not appreciate me?</i></p><p><i><br /></i></p><p><i>Whether the answer is YES or NO, I am STILL A MOTHER. That is what hit me as I was wallowing in self pity late this afternoon.<br /></i></p><p><i><br /></i></p><p><i>My daughter LOVES me. She LOVES me. I AM a MOTHER. That is ENOUGH. </i></p><p><i>What makes and made my day SPECIAL, wasn't the hoopla that surrounds what Mother's Day is suppose to be </i></p> <p><i>according to the media; what made it special is the fact, the one and only fact, that I am a Mother.</i></p><p><i><br /></i></p><p><i>What made it special is that when my daughter, even thought knelt over with cramps, was doing the dishes when we arrived home from lunch with my family. </i></p><p><i><br /></i></p><p><i>What made is meaningful beyond any Paper Card could, was that in the middle of doing dishes my daughter says to me, "Didn't you hear me?" </i></p><p><i><br /></i></p><p><i>I said, "No, what?" </i></p><p><i>She says, "I cut my finger."</i></p><p><i>I said, "Oh you did, I didn't know."</i></p> <p><i>She says, "Ya, I told you."</i></p><p><i>I said, "I must not have heard you honey I'm sorry, let me see--does it hurt? How did you do it?"</i></p><p><i>She said, "It was a knife. I told you and you didn't say anything, so I thought you didn't care."</i></p> <p><i>I said, "Oh honey, I'm so sorry, you know that isn't true, ever."</i></p><p><i>She asks, "Can I have a hug?"</i></p><p><i>I said, with tear filled eyes, "What? Sure, of course."</i></p> <p><i>She held ME for about 1 minute. 1 minute. My 16 year old held me.</i></p><p><i><br /></i></p><p><i>THAT far out weighed ANY expectation I ever had. That is something you can't think up on your own or expect for the day. </i></p> <p><i>Same with the way she held doors for me all day long, asked how I was doing all day long, wished me Happy Mother's Day about 10 times, telling me she loved me, going to church together and her being able to connect with me about something in the sermon that we had just talked about, and complimenting me throughout the day. </i></p><p><i><br /></i></p><p><i>And the best part of the day? Her thanking me before bed for being her Mommy. Her thanking me for who I am and what I do for her. Her telling me she wants me to help her raise her kids someday. (LOL BTW)---that is being treated like a Queen. </i></p><p><i><br /></i></p><i>I think this day far exceeded my expectations. </i>Contemplating Beautyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09808854805547064281noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-106175339539821708.post-55683523994917653812011-04-27T21:32:00.001-07:002011-04-27T21:33:06.872-07:00A Classic!<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwPS-yaZk8SsPR7kmlHDOP0R-VxGBk31UNUzlWTzKV6RvqBLMJu7hUreUvj-ehMqy-z9FM0J37djAPB9t2FO8NS3xsbDsIsnqehVm7r-vdiP1FrK3kOnhMK7usK1m8m5pgnbD0fGeDJY96/s1600/Marcia+Poem+Recipe+for+Parenting.png"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 220px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwPS-yaZk8SsPR7kmlHDOP0R-VxGBk31UNUzlWTzKV6RvqBLMJu7hUreUvj-ehMqy-z9FM0J37djAPB9t2FO8NS3xsbDsIsnqehVm7r-vdiP1FrK3kOnhMK7usK1m8m5pgnbD0fGeDJY96/s320/Marcia+Poem+Recipe+for+Parenting.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5600487668701070418" border="0" /></a>Contemplating Beautyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09808854805547064281noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-106175339539821708.post-17254215071583407882011-04-27T09:39:00.000-07:002011-04-27T20:43:03.928-07:005 Things I Taught My DaughterEveryone is going to think I have a "thing" with the number 5 and I've only been blogging for less than a year! I swear I don't, it just has worked out that way.<br /><br />I've had the discussion with other parents before about the important things personally to me that I've taught my daughter. Meaning, what have I wanted to instill in her and then see her come to blossom with in her life?<br /><br />It also was brought up when I was at conferences and one of her Teachers asked me, "What did you do with her to make her such a great girl?"<br /><br />Here's what I've come up with:<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">1.</span> <span style="font-weight: bold;">No complaining.</span><br />At a very young age, I would be really specific about not letting her complain (it must be a natural tendency because it seemed like she did it on her own <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">LOL</span>), for instance if it was a rainy day, I would say to her right away, "Just because it's raining doesn't mean it's not a good day. A rainy day is JUST has good as a sunny day."<br />It might seem like an odd thing to teach her, but it seemed like a great way to introduce her to not complaining; I figured if I started with something so basic like the weather, it would prepare her for more serious things in life that she would most definitely be complaining about. The weather was something basic I could start her with. And it worked, this girl rarely complains to this day! Trust me, we all need to vent and let me tell you, she has her moments!<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">2. No negative words.</span><br />I'm talking not even 'Idiot'. Not even 'Shut Up'! And 'Stupid'.<br />I mean to me, those words are just as negative as a swear word. They don't sound positive at all, and my goal is to bring her up as positive as possible, in a world that is so negative. I want her bringing good in the world. Being GOOD to people. And I think if everyone would admit it, they'd agree that those words do not sound positive and the people that are hearing those words being said to them? I can guarantee don't feel good about it. What is the point of these words?<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">3.</span> <span style="font-weight: bold;">Being a friend to all.<br /></span>There is so much "outcast" stuff going on in schools and such that I thought this one was crucial to teach her. It also goes along with<span style="font-weight: bold;"> kindness</span>. I want her to befriend and be kind to the disabled, different <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">ethnicity's</span>, and certain category groups (which is a pet peeve of mine by the way), such as 'nerds' 'jocks' 'emu' all of em'. I brought her up to tear down that wall of division, and told her no matter who she is good friends with or who she hangs around, that she needed to make an effort to be a friend to all her classmates.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">4. Manners.</span><br />Being polite, in my opinion is one of the easiest things to teach a child. It has to come at an early age, as most of these 5 things do, but it is something that can be taught with consistence and persistence. Things as simple as "Please and Thank you", "You're Welcome", and asking. Asking is important because it shows healthy boundaries between the child and the parent. It shows that the child can't just do whatever, whenever.<br />It's so cool because manners sort of ends up turning into respect later in their life. I see now with my daughter being a Sophomore, that she is very respectful to her teachers and other adults.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">5. Compassion</span>.<br />Bringing our kids up to understand Empathy and Compassion is HUGE. Helping them see that everyone has a story, and that everyone suffers in their own way helps our kids to be more understanding when they otherwise might not be. It gives them a bigger picture into real life issues--a world bigger than their own. And it can soften their hearts.<br />Teaching her this and us living by example, can give our kids a new way to how they might think about others.<br />It also helps them realize that they need compassion too. And I think if we realize that we want and need compassion, then it's a little easier to give it.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span></span></span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><br /></span>Contemplating Beautyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09808854805547064281noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-106175339539821708.post-89662888506795542872011-04-25T13:40:00.000-07:002011-04-27T17:16:47.296-07:00Relationship Means Relating1. The condition or fact of being related; connection or association.<br />2. A particular type of connection existing between people related to or having dealings with each other.<br /><br />This is what the actual definition of RELATIONSHIP means. If you look at the beginning of the word you see RELATE. I think parenting teens can be a lot simpler than we make it, so I wanted to blog about something that appears pretty basic and simple, but it's actually super challenging.<br />I'm not arguing that it can be very tough, especially with the hormone changes are kids are going through, but if we keep the focus on RELATIONSHIP I think it can make things a lot smoother.<br /><br />Looking further into the knowledge of what relationship MEANS also helps.<br />For me, knowing the exact definitions of words has always helped me <span style="font-style: italic;">act</span> on the words better. It's easier for me to know what to DO when I know what the word means exactly. Maybe that's the kind of learner I am, but I'm confident others could benefit from it too.<br /><br />For example, most of us know what the word 'Relationship' means technically. But how are we handling the knowledge of the definition? I mean if I KNOW an apple has fiber and is good for my health with all its other benefits, am I just going to "sit" on that knowledge? Maybe. But I'd be much wiser to actually DO something about that knowledge.<br /><br />I want to use the definition I have for relationship to my advantage and to help with my parenting. This means I have to be ACTIVE in responding to what I know the word MEANS. It might sound so elementary, but I'm telling you, it has helped me so much.<br /><br />Just yesterday my daughter and I had a little argument when we were coming home from a family Easter gathering. She sighed out loud about a little disagreement my husband and I were having. I found it rude, and I took it VERY personal. I felt like over all I annoyed her, but in reality, she was annoyed at the back and forth between my husband and I. Which is valid, I totally understand that. But I couldn't shake the feelings that arose in me when she let out that sigh.<br /><br />The three of us pulled in the driveway and we had plans to take the dogs for a walk. If I would have continued on based off of what I <span style="font-style: italic;">felt</span> like doing, I wouldn't have said another word.<br />It's so common for people to think "Let's drop it", because they don't think they <span style="font-style: italic;">can</span> resolve it or they don't "feel" like it because it takes work. But I have a different suggestion.<br />Sometimes it's best to leave well enough alone and revisit the issue later, <span style="font-style: italic;">that</span> I can swallow, but leaving it alone and not reconciling it, I think is destructive to the soul and unhealthy.<br /><br />So as we went on our walk, I continued with my daughter trying to find resolve. My Husband was very uncomfortable and wanted it to end like yesterday!<br />He kept asking us to drop it because he didn't want to ruin our walk. I understood his frustration, but I couldn't not be reconciled with my daughter, and I want her to learn that it's <span style="font-weight: bold;">work to work</span> through conflict and it takes effort, and it's inconvenient, and it's trying-but see, my point is that our relationship wouldn't be REAL if we <span style="font-style: italic;">didn't</span> get to the bottom of what we were arguing about, (And there is a "bottom" to everything).<br />We'd go on with our day and a day would turn into a week and a week would turn into a month. By being persistent and asking her questions, and allowing her to ask me questions, it sort of pushed both of us to finding resolve. Not only do I need to relate to <span style="font-style: italic;">her</span>, but she needs to relate to <span style="font-style: italic;">me</span>! With a little time and a lot of effort, we WERE able to get to the bottom of it!<br /><br />If we keep in relationship by<span style="font-weight: bold;"> relating</span> to one another, we keep things <span style="font-weight: bold;">authentic</span> and we keep things <span style="font-weight: bold;">real</span>. But if we don't? We are just piling on unresolved issues and hurts. I'd rather be uncomfortable for let's say 15 or so minutes, and get to the bottom of things (the heart of the issue), than pretend or "think" I'm better off forgetting about it and at the surface things seem OK, but at the core, the issue is STILL there.<br /><br />Maybe think about what relationship really MEANS; it's definition is its definition, you can't argue that. So then I encourage you, if you aren't already, to keep striving toward that. Get to the root issues of your conflict and misunderstandings.<br /><br />It was painful to go through it yesterday with my daughter, but within the half hour, it was resolved and we BOTH were on the same page and we BOTH understood each other, and we BOTH were reconciled. THAT is worth the 30 minutes of frustration, anger, and discomfort any day.Contemplating Beautyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09808854805547064281noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-106175339539821708.post-91130839052862386462011-04-14T19:56:00.000-07:002011-04-14T19:58:40.894-07:005 Things to Never Say to Your Child- REVISED!I had such great feedback on this blog post, that I thought I would enhance the last article with some new additions, and further thoughts. Remember please that my articles are not intended to lead anyone to think that any one of us are “perfect” parents. That it’s a learning process for all of us, and just like we were children once, we know that our children will fall short, and as adults, we fall short too. My postings are intended to inspire, give fresh perspectives and offer ideas that one might not be implementing.<br /> <br />1. BECAUSE I SAID SO! I start with the question: How does this build relationship? One of my main focuses for writing is that I believe in building relationship with our children. Not just our friends, or spouses, but also our kids! I think the key to any relationship is being REAL, and being authentic. Being relational in a sense like, “How can you relate to this? Or “How can I relate to my child? And, “How does my child relate to me?” If we say to our kid “Because I said so!” I think we are building a controlling atmosphere.<br /> So when we say, “Because I said so!” are we saying that because we are adults, so that means we are older than them, so no matter what, without reason or explanation we just shut them out, and use that line? <br />I am not saying our children need a 15 minute long reason why, or even a 5 minute explanation. I am just offering maybe showing our kids a little respect by giving them a legitimate reason, and if we aren’t, then maybe we need to ask ourselves if we even know why we are saying NO to something. By giving them a basic answer, it builds relationship because you are creating communication. By encouraging communication this gives our kids a sense of individuality, safety, and we are teaching them along the way how to be relational in life. <br />Let's be mature enough as parents and walk through issues with our kids. Let’s take the TIME to invest in small explanations as to why we came to make the decision for them that we did. We'll be earning trust and they won’t feel so inferior. Because a lot of times I think that is what can happen. Parents think that because they are older, more mature, and the parent, that the kid is inferior to them. We don’t want our teens to feel like they aren’t human. Meaning a lot of times the humanness of parent/child relationships gets lost because there are so many control issues going on. I think a lot of teens feel that their parents aren’t “Human” because they don’t take the time to relate with them. Maybe it’s been years since you were a teen, but I think most of us can look back and at least put ourselves in their shoes and realize that we’ve been there too. And that’s a really good place to start.<br /><br />2. ACT YOUR AGE! or You're 5 years old, so act like it)! Don't you think if they could act their age, they would? They are clueless on how they ought to be acting, so it's our job to not just TELL them, but to show them, and to be a role model that inspires them. They will learn from us and by what we have to offer them to help them through life.<br />I know how tempting it can be, especially if we are in the bad habit of comparing our kids to other kids), to say to your kid, “You should know better to be acting like that. Act your age.” But hear me when I say this, that is extremely degrading. Anything less than positive,(except when you are punishing or disciplining, it might not seem positive), is belittling them. The number one issue that children of all ages deals with due to parenting is SHAME. It’s a deep rooted issue across the board. And it seeps like crazy into adulthood. When your child hears, “Act your age” they HEAR this: You are so bad, naughty, and I’m embarrassed of you. Shame on you for not knowing better. Shape up. Other kids are better than you. They HEAR: I am not accepted, I am shunned, I am not good enough. <br />It instantly shuts their spirit down, and unseen trauma is going on inside of them, but it is trauma that you will see later as they grow. If your child is misbehaving, or they do something out of the ordinary by being really naughty, maybe figure out the best way to discipline them, instead of using words that hurt. I do not for one second believe the old saying, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” That is the biggest lie in our society. Words stick. Words matter.<br /><br />3. SHAME ON YOU! Again, creating shame for a child is devastating. It will block safety and trust. They have got to know that no matter WHAT they do that you love them and are there for them. They need a space where they can be open with us, and share. Shaming is condemning, and it's extremely unhealthy on so many levels. And like I said earlier, it STAYS with them. If our kids do something so unexpected, or awful, or “disgusting”, we have got to take a few deep breaths, or even 10 minutes to WAIT before we act. Because if we don’t, we will REact, instead of REspond. <br />I had an experience just a couple of weeks ago with my daughter. She’s 16 and she’s an amazing kid. Overall, I haven’t had too many devastating issues, other than “typical” arguments if that’s what you want to call them. Just things like hormone changes etc…nothing “out of the ordinary”. <br />There was an incident that I was alerted on a couple weeks ago, that my daughter was involved in, (I won’t give a lot of details, because those don’t really matter), and I followed up with my daughter to find out if it was true or not. And she opened up (I truly believe because I built the foundation and safety for her to feel she could do so), and was honest with me and said, YES. She took responsibility, and fessed up to it. Instantly I was “disgusted” and in shock. I couldn’t even look at her at first. I could feel my breathing getting heavier, and I was purposely not looking at her. Then I though to myself, “Gina, you write a blog, you’re not perfect, but you write a blog on teen parenting, what are you going to do now? Are you going to live up to your words and advice?” <br />So I took several minutes before I spoke, and my husband sort of filled the air space with just whatever. Finally, I forced myself to look her in the eyes, because I did not want to screw this up! And I said these exact words: “Honey, thank you so very much for being honest with me first of all. I know that you could have lied and you chose to be truthful and I appreciate it. I know that must have been difficult and scary. Secondly, I want you to know how very disappointed I am. I’m really disappointed that you made the decision that you did. And it’s not OK what you did. Do you realize this? Can I ask why?<br />And right now I don’t know exactly what I’ll do about responsibility on your part as far as “punishment”, but there will be one. And lastly, I want you to know how very much I love you. I’ve been there. I was 16 once and I remember making dumb choices, I understand what it’s like to be under pressure with a bunch of people, I get it. And I want you to know that no matter what you do or have done, I still love you so much, just the same. And I’m so very proud of you for being honest. I love you honey.”<br />And that was that until a couple days later and I “forced” her into a week of solitude; no friends, no phone. <br />So that is my story with direct relation to this very sensitive issue. <br /><br />4. SHUT UP. Like I mentioned earlier, words matter. And anything less than positive, is going to affect our kids. Hey, as adults it would affect us if someone told us to Shut Up! At least I would be hurt! It’s so disrespectful and quite honestly, I think it’s a selfish thing to say. <br />There are a million different words in our English vocabulary that we can use to get this point across. Nough' said. <br /><br />5.YOU KNOW BETTER! I get how this one might seem confusing, because a lot of times they might know better; BUT how will this build relationship? We know that they are going to do things that they know they shouldn't. But they don't really know the reason NOT TO DO IT—not completely anyway.<br />Like we know why it's not good for them, but they don't. So instead of saying the obvious, why not take it as an opportunity to ask them why they did it, and share with them why it wasn't the best choice for them to do it. Again, it's all about being relational, relating to them and with them. <br />By choosing this way of handling it, we won’t shut them down, and they won’t shut us out. They will see that we are approachable, and that no matter what they do we will love them, and accept them. I think we forget as parents that we are human too. We can apologize and seek forgiveness when we fall short as parents. I have been in the situation where my daughter has shown me GRACE, MERCY AND FORGIVENESS. Just because I’m the adult and I’m the parent, doesn’t mean I don’t and won’t mess up.<br />And the way for our kids to “know better” is to teach and show them. Not by TELLING them they ought to KNOW BETTER. And again, sometimes they know darn well what they are doing and they do “know better”, but by talking this way with them is condescending, it doesn’t build anything up, which is our goal with them.<br /><br />This has been a great experience to write this blog. Thank you for taking the time to read, and for sharing it with others. I think might next article could be, TOP FIVE THINGS TO SAY TO YOUR CHILD!Contemplating Beautyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09808854805547064281noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-106175339539821708.post-42976927312618188982010-07-27T13:24:00.000-07:002010-07-27T13:27:35.718-07:00The Here And NowI think, as parents learning to "let go" is vital to us being awesome parents. <br />We either live too much in the past(their past mistakes/our guilt or what we could have done differently), or we live in their future (filled with worries/concerns/fear/questions), either way, we end up more in a "devastated" state. Thinking continually:<br />"Will they succeed, how can I handle saying goodbye when they leave, what if they are hanging around the "wrong" crowd, what if they get sick?" And the list goes on. . .We have to learn to live in the present with our kids. Learn to let go of both the past and the future, and let us focus on coming along side them in where/who/what they are now. That way, together we'll be able to work with one another, because I'm pretty sure our kids aren't in the past or the future, they are in today.Contemplating Beautyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09808854805547064281noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-106175339539821708.post-89038541634763846362010-06-07T13:28:00.000-07:002010-06-07T14:48:55.092-07:00I Might Go Mad! Calling All Mother's Of Texters!I don't know about you all out there, but for me, I have major issues with Cell phone use! More exact--TEXTING. I find myself saying, "I don't know what it IS about it that drives me so nuts" but I actually think I do. And the more I think about it, the more I really feel as parents we NEED to set healthy limits. <br />Anything that we haven't set limits to on the onset of SOMEthing, or at an early age--is going to be more difficult to do now. BUT that doesn't mean we can't or we shouldn't. <br />Technology, while it's a great thing in many ways, can also be a huge distraction, not to mention addiction even sometimes. The ONE word that I came up with when I kept asking myself "What is bugging me so bad?" is this: STIMULATION.<br /><br />These Gen Y kids are BEYOND over stimulated if you ask me. From video games, to hand held games, to cell phones, TV to computers and laptops. And that's just technology. I didn't mention the stimulation just from a long day at school or activities and in some kids' case, jobs. <br />I'll ask my daughter, "NOW who are you texting?" BTW, I wonder when that word will be int he Dictionary, HA.<br />The thing is is I ask her, "Why would you want to be constantly connected to someone? Why would you want to answer someone who texts you continually?" <br />Her answer surprised me. "I really don't like to text!" She told me she'd much rather talk on the PHONE. Well remember when we were TEENAGERS? What did we do in our spare time? TALKED ON THE PHONE WITH OUR FRIENDS. So texting is really no different, that is just what they do now instead. BUT back in the day, we didn't have CALL WAITING OR VM'S and we had other kids in our family who also needed the phone, so we didn't talk as much as the texting that goes on. I mean I feel it is a constant thing. I personally would not want to be BOUND to have to answer to someone the moment they text me! No thank you!<br /><br />When my daughter got her cell phone last summer, I had boundaries set for it right away. And overall she's pretty good about it, but I think I need to refine them myself so I'll list the ones here that I have been using with her for the last year and then some new ones that I need to implement. Maybe this isn't an issue for you at the moment but if it ever is, I hope this helps a little:<br /><br />-No texting during dinner hours. This could be while helping with dinner, and during and right after during clean up.<br /><br />-No phone (texting) during Homework. I've been to lenient with this, but it is a HUGE distraction I've discovered, and she's admitted. <br /><br />-No phone while out to dinner or at family/friend gatherings. It's absolutely rude if we did it as adults and it's unacceptable for your teenager to sit and do it also. <br /><br />-No texting or limited texting when we are "catching up". There have been plenty of times where I'm trying to catch up with my daughter, like right when I pick her up from school, or at the grocery store or whatever, and she's like, "What, huh?" Ah, NO DICE girl, you're talking with me now! Two convos at once has never worked. It isn't fair to the person that is right in front of you. It's disrespectful. Just because our children TRY to do this, doesn't mean we should allow it. <br /><br />-Charge Cell phone in Kitchen, or wherever the rest of the family charges/charging station. That way, we'll know when they turn the lights out, their brains are going out too! Plus, it's just radiation that we don't want in their rooms anyway!<br /><br />The last one is a possibility. Maybe no CELL phone after 8pm, or 9pm. If someone needs to reach them, they can call the house phone. This limit could vary depending on the child. <br /><br />It's important to talk about why being over stimulated isn't a good thing. Walk through these boundaries with them and tell them why it's a good idea to have these limits. <br /><br />I tell my daughter that it's important and vital for her soul and mind to REST. It shouldn't constantly have something going on. Give them ideas of what they could do in some down time. I tell my daughter to reflect in her room, or go for a walk, or pray. Sure they aren't going to be great at this everyday, but even having these limits on the cell phone will help calm the brain a bit, whether they are "resting" their mind or not, it's still a benefit to not be bound to their phone. <br /><br />I understand as parents we have to change with the times, and accept that this is "What the kids are doing" to a point. But I also believe that we don't have to CONFORM to the patterns of this world, and that our kids will do the same stuff as everyone else because "That's just how it is." I don't accept that.<br /><br />If you need ideas on what the benefits are specifically, or you disagree or have any comments or questions, I'd love to know.<br /><br /><br />Peace--<br />And good luck on the texting journey, I know I need it, as I've been very close <br />to throwing her phone OUT THE WINDOW!Contemplating Beautyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09808854805547064281noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-106175339539821708.post-39459568132864143922010-05-20T07:51:00.000-07:002010-05-20T08:14:37.825-07:005 Things to Never Say to Your Child1. Because I said so! (how does this build relationship? Having a relationship means being REAL. Being relational! Let's be mature enough as parents and walk through issues with our kids, we'll only earn trust and create safety for them by doing it. You have nothing to lose.)<br /><br />2. Act your age! or You're 5 years old, so act like it! (Don't you think if they could act their age, they would? They are clueless on how they ought to be acting, so it's our job to not TELL them, but to show them, and to be a role model that inspires them. They will learn from us and by what we have to offer them to help them through life.)<br /><br />3. Shame on you! (Creating shame for a child is devastating. It will block safety and trust. They have got to know that no matter WHAT they do that you love them and are there for them. They need a space where they can be open with us, and share. Shaming is condemning, and it's extremely unhealthy on so many levels.) <br /><br />4. Shut up. (There are a million different words in our English vocabulary that we can use to get this point across. Nough' said.)<br /><br />5. You know better! (I get how this one might seem confusing, because a lot of times they might know better; BUT how will this build relationship? We know that they are going to do things that they know they shouldn't. But they don't really know the reason NOT TO DO IT. Like we know why it's not good for them, but they don't. So instead of saying the obvious, why not take it as an opportunity to ask them why they did it, and share with them why it wasn't the best choice for them to do it. Again, it's all about being relational, relating to them and with them.)<br /><br /><br /><br />They are not able to truly apply logical thinking until age 12 when their reasoning abilities kick in. At that age most things are only black/white, right/wrong answers.Contemplating Beautyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09808854805547064281noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-106175339539821708.post-88571783470640045102010-05-20T07:20:00.000-07:002010-05-20T07:34:48.563-07:00Get On The Same PageWe all know it can be challenging to talk with our teenagers. Man oh man. That is an understatement. If I didn't live with intent, and make an effort, I wouldn't have the relationship that I do have now.<br /><br />One thing that helps along the way that I thought I'd pass on by is that, I make sure we are on the "same page". Of course there are times during the week where I might feel a little distant from my daughter, or we might have a disagreement, or whatever the case may be. But if I feel any sense that there is unsettled business, I'll make sure I ask her, "Are we on the same page here honey?" <br /><br />It's a question that she can answer honestly from. It keeps things open, so if she is feeling any emotion that is creating distance or a disagreement--they have the opportunity to share it with you. Instead of just "moving on" or sweeping it under the rug so to speak. <br /><br />This also gives us a last chance as a parent to share how we might feel. Because sometimes along the way we do have to move on, but not until the issue is really dealt with. So once we both lastly lay what is on the table, we can then figure out a way TOGETHER to get on the SAME PAGE. Just because I'm her parent doesn't mean I'm not open to hearing her voice, or her feelings or her ideas! I've got to be open to them actually! The last thing as parents we need to be doing is having power trips. Being relational is the first goal, and then building on that. <br /><br />So next time you don't feel quite "squared away" with your teen, be sure to ask them, "Are we are the same page?" AND "How can we get on the same page?"Contemplating Beautyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09808854805547064281noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-106175339539821708.post-32811838219474069512010-04-01T17:59:00.000-07:002010-04-01T18:13:53.360-07:00Just Because It Makes Them Happy, Doesn't Mean It's Good For Them!I learned this the hard way with my daughter being diagnosed with Mono. I was humbled when I realized the reason I say YES to most things that make her life so busy, was because IT MADE HER HAPPY! But guess what? IT ALSO MADE HER SICK! It didn't mean it was good for her for me to say "yes". Even though she has built a lot of trust and there is no reason except for taking care of her health, to say no, doesn't mean I should.<br /><br />I realized when she was first diagnosed, she came into my room to ask me if she could do something. Even though most of the time while she's been sick she's been "down". I thought about what she asked me, and paused, and thought, hmmm....I WANT to say yes, but that doesn't mean I SHOULD! Then, I thought, well "Why do I want to tell her yes?"<br /><br />And then I thought more and said to myself, "Because it would make her happy!"<br />BAM! It dawned on me that just because I have no problem saying NO to other things such as material crap, behavior, tone of voice, certain movies or music, doesn't mean that saying YES to running around all the time makes it any smarter! What's the difference? If you asked any of the parents who have a hard time saying NO to their children over the other stuff I mentioned, what do you think their reason would be as to why? It would no doubt be because they know it makes their kid happy if they say YES to that pair of expensive jeans, or whatever the kid is asking for.<br />So I am no different, I just say YES AND NO to different stuff. And it's proved not well for my daughter.<br /><br />Not only does she have mono, but she's carrying the Epstein Barr Virus, meaning Mono made it into her blood. She'll most likely carry that for the rest of her life. <br />I could feel responsible for her illness, but I can't do that. I am learning from it, and now scaling back, even though it's gonna be hard for me and her! I know how happy it makes her to be out and about having her hands in everything. And we all love to see how children happy, don't we?!<br /><br />So the next time your child asks you something, or the next several times they do, think more about why you are saying YES. I think if it's in moderation, it's gonna be OK obviously to say YES. But I think we all have weaknesses as parents, where we've created a rhythm of YESES and our children are use to it and almost "expect" to get whatever that weakness in us is. Make sense?<br /><br />But we have to be OPEN to the possibility of learning something as parents. I mean how could I have been this way for 10 years plus and not see it??? Answer me that! <br />So just keep an open mind and an open heart, and be humbled by the fact that we can always learn as parents. Wrestle with the possibility that some ways we are with are kids isn't what's best for them. You might not get as huge of a wake up call as I did, but it's good to stay on your toes.<br /><br />Happy "NO" saying time!Contemplating Beautyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09808854805547064281noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-106175339539821708.post-64881574461319680352010-03-16T20:09:00.000-07:002010-03-16T20:39:00.389-07:00RESTNot sure if any of your children out there are similar to mine in the fact that she never slows down. This girl has her hands in everything, and when I say everything, I mean I counted 10 activities/areas she is involved in, and that did not include<br />friend time, family time, chores or homework!<br /><br />My daughter has a this huge love for life and everything that goes with it. She gives 100% all day, every day. She's an A student, and is happy 85% of the time. Let's just say she's not your typical teen. <br /><br />I say all that to say all this. I started noticing back in December that she was getting run down. I didn't think too much of it, because it didn't last long and she was able to pick herself back up. But about 2 weeks ago, another spurt came along, and she was vomiting and had a lot of fatigue/weakness, and her stomach hurt for a week. <br /><br />She didn't have typical cold symptoms, so I was concerned. <br />It seemed like this last spurt lasted about 5 or 6 days, but then she again, seemed a bit better for a few days. But one day last week she came home from school and could barely walk! She had trouble going up and down stairs and her body ached this time. I said "That's it, we are going in to get some tests done tonight." <br />She wasn't too happy about it, because again, she didn't want to "miss out" on a thing, including school. <br /><br />We ended up going to Urgent Care, and the doc was going to blow us off as a "It's just a virus" visit, but I insisted she draw some blood (I learned the hard way that you have to be your own advocate when it comes to health). <br /><br />We did the blood draw and the doc said she'd call me back tonight with the results. An hour later I got a call and she told me that Madelynn's white blood count was HIGH. She asked if we could come back in asap, and I said "Of course."<br />After some mystery and a round of tests, they sent us to the ER, and she had some more tests done. <br /><br />She was diagnosed with Mono: Swollen Spleen, and enlarged lymph nodes. I was relieved that it wasn't anything "more". We go back in 2 weeks to have her blood drawn again to check the WBC.<br /><br />This was a HUGE wake up call for me. Her body was left wide open for disease.<br /><br />I have never been a parent who has trouble disciplining or saying "no" to my child. And when I say saying "no" I mean as far as like behavior, or material stuff, or boys or whatever. But I usually say YES to things like, staying out later, or having a sleepover, or running here or there, etc. . because I know those things make her happy and we like to see our kids happy, right?!<br /><br />The doc said she is a classic TEXT BOOK CASE for mono, overachiever type. But her body is telling her NO. And ya know what? SO AM I from now on!!!<br />She can't do it all, and our bodies weren't meant to do it all, and she has to find some REST. Not just physical rest, but emotional, spiritual, mental REST. I mean when do our kids really get this? And what is the fine line with us as parents to encourage or telling them to REST? It's hard to not be pushy or overbearing isn't it? Don't you just wish they could figure this stuff out on their own?!! <br />Just lay in your room with the door shut with no music, no phone, no computer,no TV, no book, and just be quiet. Be still. That is what our kids need more of. <br />So pay attention to these things, and catch it before it's too late. <br /><br />I know Madelynn will get over the Mono, but we have got to make some tough changes with the way she's approaching life. Her DO ALL approach has g o t t o g o.<br />We'll work together on how we can refine her weeks, and she's been very resistant, but I am asking her to trust me. I am asking her if I have ever given her a reason NOT to trust me. She said, "Good point". She's being quite a bit more receptive now and open to the fact that she's gotta slow down, way down. <br /><br />It's all a journey, and it's part of the parent/child relating RELATIONSHIP that enables us to get through it together. Figure out a way to work through communicating your concerns and then listen to hers. I was frustrated when my daughter and I were buttin'heads but I kept telling her that I wanted us to be on the same page and asked her how can we get there? We have to approach it as working together, not against each other. And not us trying to control the situation with power so to speak.<br /><br />SO my daughter is on Spring Break this week, and she is thoroughly enjoying her room, the living room, her bed, the couch, movies, and a little bit of the computer (just a little).<br /><br />PeaceContemplating Beautyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09808854805547064281noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-106175339539821708.post-43180063912940222922010-02-10T10:15:00.000-08:002010-02-10T10:21:44.517-08:00Bricks=TrustSomething that works really well for my daughter building trust in her life, is the visual of a HOUSE. A house starts from virtually nothing, there is land, and then through time it is built up. The foundation/land has to be good/safe/healthy/trustworthy, and there is more than one person building it. People work together to build a house, or any building for that matter. Over time, the house's completion can be beautiful! The transformation that takes place is amazing. But if, during the building process, there is a storm, or an accident, the process gets damaged, and it "falls behind". It loses "bricks". This is the analogy I've used with my daughter.<br /><br />As she was and is growing up, and she would ask to do certain things, I'd always say, "Remember, you are building a house of bricks, and you want to keep adding, so your house turns out beautifully. But if you lose a brick or two, just know that the bricks equal trust, so the more bricks you add to your house, the more trust you earn."<br /><br />I think that really helped her and I relationally. She'd do different things, like go to a concert with a friend when she was 13. We dropped them off and we stayed near by, but they went alone. She hadn't done anything at that point in her life for me not to trust her, so why should I say no? They had cell phones, and I was near by and it wasn't a concert where there would be drugs or anything. This was one of our first and biggest milestones! Anyway, it went great, and she definitely built trust that night, lots of bricks!<br /><br />But there have been other times, over the last few years, where she would lose bricks. I am not much of a "rule" person, but one of my rules is no boys in the house when we are not home. Well, one night I came home and not only were there boys in the house but there was a hole in the wall in the basement, and a picture frame down in the entry way of our house! I was NOT happy.<br /><br />But I didn't scream and yell. I mean she IS human, and she was in her TWEEN years, so she needed grace, and compassion but also need discipline and a punishment. <br />So I think finding the balance as I said earlier in one of my blogs, is that when your child misbehaves (or whatever you want to call it, I don't like the word disobey), our response MATTERS. What good would yelling at her do? Or making her feel bad, and putting her down, or being negative? I say if you think this might be your response (which according to my daughter's friends, is most parents responses), then COUNT TO 10! Cool down, and then approach her; get yourself together and zoom out, it isn't life or death here.<br /><br />I ended up sternly asking her if she remembered the rule of no boys in the house when we are not home. I asked her then why she had them over anyway. I basically asked a lot of questions, and didn't accuse or assume, or insult. That can so easily happen, we can't let it. Our kids, good or bad, NEED US. There are constructive ways to discipline and handle misbehaving. <br /><br />By asking her questions, this gave her a chance to have a voice and answer, instead of treating her like some object I'm trying to control. It's important our kids know that there is GRACE and that we all make mistakes, especially at the vulnerable ages of 12-16. They have to know they have a voice in this, we have to create a two way street, it takes two to tango! It's not about having power of these little humans, it's about walking along side them on their confusing journey. Does that make sense???<br /><br />I obviously told her how disappointed I was, and that I was not happy with her, but that I forgave her, but reminded her that she's not building her house of trust by making these sort of decisions. I asked her, "Wouldn't you rather have more trust so you can do more things?" Her answer was YES, of course. She was grounded for a week, and it all blew over. <br /><br />Through the last couple of years she has lost many bricks, but she's also GAINED a bunch too. Because she's built so many bricks of trust, she's able to do things that parents look at me like I'm nuts! But as long as she keeps building something trustworthy, she'll have more freedom, as long as what she wants to do is healthy, and safe, it's ok with me!Contemplating Beautyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09808854805547064281noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-106175339539821708.post-77972708739991630622010-02-09T16:22:00.000-08:002010-02-09T16:45:05.669-08:00You Can RelateSometimes it feels very difficult to relate to our ever changing children, but especially when they become teenagers. But one thing I learned early on was that my daughter was going through similar stuff I went through. As she went through issues or "drama" I tried to relate to her, not control her. The more I started showing her my support and compassionate ear, and shared some of my own stories, the more she felt it was safe to talk to me openly. Just like adults, teenagers have very specific needs and ways they would like the people in their life to behave. As wives, we desperately want our husbands to be what we need them to be! If they aren't, our defenses go up and we start "protecting our own". We start to shut down in many different forms if we aren't getting what we want or what we need from others. <br /><br />Well with Teenagers, it's even more so. <br />They want to know we can be trusted, just as we want to trust them. If my daughter starts opening up early on, say around 12 years old, and early on my responses don't give her a reason to trust me, well then I don't blame her. I have to be able to handle what she shares by listening attentively (which takes time), not judging her, and not automatically try to tell her what to do. First I usually think about if there is a way I can relate to what she's sharing. And if there is, I'll share that. Usually she's pretty interested in the fact that I've gone through almost the same thing! It makes us parents not seem like such aliens to our kids.<br /><br />This also usually opens up a pretty decent dialog and she'll start asking questions.<br />With this, it shows I am relate-able, and I'm not some far off distant clueless Mom.<br />To a point we want to be relevant. Not so much that we are forgetting discipline and all that. Don't get me wrong, I'm not sayin that. But we have got to show them that they can come to us, and that there is an OPEN DOOR POLICY. I make this very clear to my daughter and ALL her friends!<br /><br />I think so much of the time Mothers are trying to be "right" and they are trying to BE THE PARENT so they come off as not approachable. It's all about being relational and being able to maintain a parental authority without being controlling, GOT THAT? Probably not, cuz I don't have it down yet either! Don't sweat it! <br /><br />I am sure there are plenty of things that your daughter goes through that you have at one point in your life. Whether it was friend trouble, hurtful gossip, being teased, a broken heart from a boy, pressure from a boy, etc. the list goes on. <br />So recall back to those moments and what you did as a kid yourself and how you dealt with it and what you learned. This is a SURE way to get your teen to ENGAGE you!<br /><br />And remember, this is her journey, think of what is the healthiest, most encouraging way to handle what she shares with you. You might not like what she has to say, but she's needs to know you have her back; and always, always STAY POSITIVE.Contemplating Beautyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09808854805547064281noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-106175339539821708.post-28577047480208359672010-02-09T16:19:00.000-08:002010-02-09T16:22:21.831-08:00<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggENq2xq0SM5o3Kf0lgP1nI-x-mHZonln-oKDvSLCt68nU1IQ4-m7LKBqeT626Oqern62Tr5fp8-4TH7tPKphqN1AurIJslsDfm5UyI7PmdtIIgGkvNSQUG1J0QKjeS1DtI_IUvzGgZvPm/s1600-h/teen+comic+1.gif"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 103px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggENq2xq0SM5o3Kf0lgP1nI-x-mHZonln-oKDvSLCt68nU1IQ4-m7LKBqeT626Oqern62Tr5fp8-4TH7tPKphqN1AurIJslsDfm5UyI7PmdtIIgGkvNSQUG1J0QKjeS1DtI_IUvzGgZvPm/s320/teen+comic+1.gif" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5436403125574410290" /></a>Contemplating Beautyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09808854805547064281noreply@blogger.com0